


Gentle Hum

by mahoward36



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Established Relationship, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Shit's just getting real here, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-06
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2017-12-22 14:05:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/914077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahoward36/pseuds/mahoward36
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Weeks after Khan is captured, Kirk revived, and repairs on the Enterprise have begun, Bones and Jim are still dealing with the aftermath of all that happened. As Bones struggles to keep it together, Jim works on fixing his doctor and their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My wish is for you, An end to your sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE: So I was mapping out the rest of the story and it's getting suuuuuper long. I just wanted to let you know that this could go on for a while. I hope you keep reading and giving me great feedback. Thank you! 9-3-13

_He was dead. In a place where he'd been patched up multiple times, he was dead. No matter what he wanted to try he knew he couldn't fix it. There was still a hint of life in the gentle curve of his mouth, the laugh lines by his eyes, the fading flush of his skin. But that was ending. That had ended. His heart was in his throat. His knees grew weak with the pressure of all he’d lost. With all that never would be. He was falling; no. He was being ripped away from everything he'd known and everything that had saved him._

Bones sat up in bed, breathing heavily in a cold sweat. _Where was he? Was that real?_ The clock to his right glowed at 4:23.

“Bones,” he was suddenly aware of the presence to his left. “Bones, it's OK.” Strong, calloused hands gently grasped his shoulders. Bones took stock of the man sitting next to him. Blonde hair sticking up in 7 different directions, piercing blue eyes filled with worry and sleep, flushing pale skin, but most importantly, life.

“Sorry,” Bones managed to croak out. “I'm OK just a bad dream.” He knew Jim knew that was bullshit but he didn't care right now, as long as he was here with him. Jim didn't press it. He swallowed hard and pulled Bones to his chest. Bones gladly accepted and rested his head on Jim’s shoulder. His head cradled in Jim’s hand he tried to breathed. They sat together for a moment before trying to sleep again. Bones remained on Jim’s chest for the night but he didn’t sleep. Jim only drifted in and out, afraid to leave Bones alone with his thoughts.

Finally 7:00 rolled around and the pair was greeted by a soft alarm urging them to rise from bed. A heavy sigh alerted Bones to Jim’s consciousness. Jim’s hand traveled up Bones’ back as he tightened his embrace. Planting a soft kiss on the black hair underneath his chin, Jim felt Bones return the embrace. With continued heavy sighs the pair sat up and stretched, grudgingly meeting the new morning on Earth.

It had been 2 months since Kahn’s wrath had been exacted on Starfleet and Jim’s subsequent death and his recovery was proving slow and painful. After 2 weeks in a coma, he was groggy, weak, and in pain. It was another 2 weeks before he was even strong enough to go to the bathroom alone, much less captain a ship. At week 5 of consciousness, 7 weeks after revival, Jim was able to leave the hospital, mainly because his boyfriend happened to be a doctor. Though Jim desperately hated being sidelined, he decided the least he could do was to cooperate to ease some of the struggle his boyfriend was going through.

All this ran through Jim’s head as he stretched. Sunlight drifted in through the window in the kitchen. Their apartment, though small, was warm and inviting, filled with photos of loved ones and the pair in various areas of the galaxy. The photos, along with interesting and strange artifacts, decorated the apartment in a way that made it looked lived in. But it wasn’t. Since they were barely on Earth, the apartment remained empty most days of the year. This fact always disoriented Jim when he returned, and today was no different.

Standing in the kitchen Jim struggled to remember where the coffee was. Staring blankly, he thought of the many places it could be and mentally groaned for not letting Bones make the coffee as he usually did.

“Middle cabinet, left side!” Bones called out as he stepped into the shower. Jim’s mind snapped to attention as he cautiously dug out the coffee from the middle cabinet of the left set.

“Thanks!” He called out vaguely as he stared at the package in his hand.

Bones smirked at the thought of Jim making coffee and being domestic. It was more comforting to him to think of Jim gallivanting through the universe than making coffee and being a stay-at-home kind of person. But he knew that this was Jim's way of comforting him so he went with it.

Shampooing his hair, Bones tried to forget the dreams of last night. He tried to forget about how lifeless and stiff Jim had been, how empty and cold his features were. There was suddenly a weight on his chest, the same weight he'd felt when Jim had been brought in to Sickbay. Air began to be difficult to find and his knees buckled causing him to fall to the tile floor of the shower. His breath came in shallow, sharp stabs. His vision blurred and he tried to brace himself against the slick, stone wall.

”BONES!” Jim walked in just in time to see his boyfriend gasping for air on the shower floor. “Bones you need to breathe!” Jim jumped into the shower and held him up. Bones desperately grasped at Jim as he struggled. There was a pounding in his ears as he tried to listen to Jim. Muffled sounds of what must be words reached Bones’ ears and he fought desperately to hear them.

“Bones breathe! You have to breathe!”

"I’m… I’m trying.”

Bones tried to focus on Jim’s eyes. Worry, fear, and love were obvious but not helping. Next Bones focused on Jim’s breathing. _Match that,_ he thought desperately. Steadily, Bones’ breathing began to slow and deepen and he was able to focus. The thudding subsided and he could see again. What he saw made him feel an abundance of guilt. There was Jim, a man who had died to save his crew, drenched on the shower floor, still in his clothes, trying to level one man.

”I’m OK n-“

”Bullshit,” Jim’s forceful tone took Bones by surprise. He'd hoped Jim would let it go like he had last night, but he knew that something like this just couldn't be ignored. Jim knew about the nightmares, but Bones had done a pretty good job of hiding his attacks from him up until this point. Bones had done a pretty good job of hiding them from everyone. If he hid them then he didn't have to worry anyone and, more importantly, Jim. “What’s going on, Bones? Tell me, please.”

“You were dead Jim. You were dead and every time I close my eyes that’s all I can see.” The words came flying out of his mouth before he could stop them.

Jim stared at Bones for a moment processing every word. He turned off the water and pulled Bones out of the shower. Still dripping wet, he wrapped the softest towel he could find around Bones and sat him on their couch. Quickly, Jim changed clothes and grabbed his communicator. He left messages for both Medical and his C.O. respectively, that Bones and he would not be in today.

“You didn't have to do that.” Bones grumbled as Jim joined him on the couch.

“Yes I did. Besides, you'd have done the same,” Jim smirked as he pulled the sour doctor into an embrace. _I didn't realize it was this bad. How did I let it get this bad?_ he thought sadly. “How long have you been having panic attacks?”

“Since you died.” Bones answered after a moment.

Tightening his embrace, Jim shivered when he thought of what Bones had been put through in the last few months. Bones felt him shiver and was bombarded by guilt. He felt guilty for bothering Jim with this, for making Jim remember all that pain, for everything.

“Please don't feel guilty,” Bones pulled away and stared. Jim’s eyes were serious as he spoke. “This has been hard on you. It’s OK to admit it.” Bones was always surprised at just how intuitive Jim could be, it was one of the many reasons he loved him. Sighing, Bones leaned in and rested against Jim’s chest again.

“I didn’t think I was that bad,” he admitted. “I thought I could handle this.”

“You don’t have to handle it alone ya know.”

Bones sighed in relief as Jim rhythmically moved his hands up and down Bones’ back. They sat there for quite some time before they said anything else. Bones told Jim everything; about his panic attacks, about how it felt like he had a terrible hangover when it finally passed, about how he couldn't sleep, especially without Jim. Jim knew there would probably be many more moments like this in their future and this wouldn't be the last time one of them almost died, or faced decisions harder than they ever thought possible. But he wasn’t afraid. As long as there were moments after he’d be fine. He’d fix Bones this time. He’d help put his doctor, his lover, back together piece by piece even if it took the rest of his life.


	2. This bird has to sing, My heart has to follow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones visits a Star Fleet counselor at Jim's request and, later, discusses some future possibilities with him.

The morning was too gorgeous to be inside but Bones found himself walking down a long hallway in an open-windowed building following a young man to a small office.  where he sat sourly staring out the window. But he knew all too well that he'd promised Jim he'd meet him at Starfleet’s Psychology and Counseling department but he still didn't want to be here. Waiting impatiently, Bones looked around the room and took stock of the office. It was warm and bright, a loveseat on one wall and a simple wood desk and office chair on the other. The window was large and one-way, allowing light and privacy. A simple bookshelf sat to the left of the window. Before he could read all of the books’ titles, the small door opened and Jim stepped inside. The light seemed to bend around him as he took a seat next to Bones on the loveseat. It was hard for him to believe that it had only been yesterday that Jim had to pull his boyfriend out of the shower.

“I hate this.” Bones grumbled.

“I know you do.” Jim smiled lightly. He'd essentially forced Bones to agree to get counseling. His doctor could be so stubborn at times but Jim knew that neither of them was properly equipped to handle what they'd been going through.

The office door slid open and a woman stepped in. Smiling warmly, she greeted the pair and introduced herself as Commander Gupta. Immediately Bones began taking mental stock of the woman who would be evaluating him in the next hour. She wasn't too tall or too short, most likely in her mid-40s, rather curvy, light brown skin, and caramel, brown hair graying at her temples which was pulled into a loose bun.

“So, we'll start with a few simple questions just to figure out where we're at, OK?” she had a soft, genuine smile that made Bones more comfortable as she sat down. “How long have you two been together?”

This surprised Bones. “Um, about 2 and a half years.”

“How'd you meet?” Jim and Bones smiled and shared a look. Bones always thought it was funny when he told people how they'd met. Their reactions always seemed a bit disenchanted which only amused him. Commander Gupta, however, smiled even brighter and laughed along with them. Bones was not only beginning to like her but he was beginning to think that maybe this had been a good idea after all.

“Why did you come to see me?” Her question wasn't harsh or forced but simple and sincere.

“Well, I guess I’m having a bit of trouble…..handling things recently,” he knew it was vague but he didn't know how to start. Jim watched Bones, letting him get everything out the way he wanted to. He wanted to tell Commander Gupta everything that had happened and everything Bones had been feeling, but he knew it wasn't his place to speak for him So he sat waiting and listening.

“Handling what?”

Bones had nothing against therapy, but the idea of sharing all of his thoughts and feelings with someone, especially a stranger, made him more uncomfortable than he cared to admit. Squirming in his seat he tried forming a good answer. “It’s kind of a long story.”

“I've got time,” she leaned in, eager to help. Bones sighed heavy with defeat. He began to tell the Commander about everything, about Khan, about the near-destruction of the Enterprise, and about Jim’s death and revival. By the end Bones was staring only at his hands, unable to meet anyone’s eyes. Commander Gupta, who had sat quietly throughout the entire story, cleared her throat and folded her hands on her lap.

“Wow. That’s a lot to handle,” Bones looked up at Commander Gupta. She had a serious, almost grave look about her. “Have you talked about this with anyone?”

“Not really.” he stated.

“Not at all.” Jim interjected before he could stop himself. This earned a look from Bones. At first he was angry with Jim but then he saw his face. It was sad and tired. Another wave of guilt washed over Bones as he looked back down at his hands. Tears stung his eyes as he thought about everything Jim had gone through in these last few months. His hands clutched tightly at each other as he tried to hold back his tears.

“What does hearing that make you feel?” Gupta’s voice broke through his thoughts and pulled him back to the present.

Clearing his throat he gathered himself to answer her. “It doesn't feel good.”

“Well, I bet not,” she sat back and examined the pair before her. “Captain, would you mind waiting in the lobby please?”

“Of course,” Jim said. As much as he didn't want to leave Bones, he knew better than to argue with his counselor. Bones nervously looked up at Jim and nodded. Once the door slid shut again, Gupta leaned back in her chair and addressed the nervous doctor in front of her.

“I asked him to leave so you wouldn't feel like you had to protect anyone’s feelings. At least, that’s what I gathered you were doing.”

“I just,” he choked on his words as he tried to force them out. “I just feel so guilty for putting this on him.”

“Why?”

“He died!” He snapped his head up angrily, staring daggers into the woman in front of him. “His ship was practically destroyed, he has more important things to deal with than -”

“Than his boyfriend?”

Bones just stared at the commander. She was right and he knew it. Jim would stop everything to help Bones. This thought only made him feel worse.

“Why do you think you feel so guilty?”

“I don't know,” He said angrily. “Of all the things he has to deal with, why should he have to deal with my issues.”

“Do you think you're not worthy of Jim?” Her question hurt. It hurt because it was exactly what he was thinking. “Leonard, I’m going to tell you something that may shock you; you are worthy of him. You are worthy of all the time and attention anyone and everyone spend on you. Now, you may not believe that now, but you need to believe it.”

Bones listened to her. He knew that she was right. Jim wouldn't waste his time with someone he didn't think was “worthy” of his attention but there was still a small voice in the back of his mind that told him how stupid he was being, how ridiculous he was for not having his shit together, that all of this was wasting everyone’s time.

“How?” was all he could say. She smiled warmly and leaned forward in her chair.

“I recommend that every day you wake up and look in the mirror, tell yourself that you are worthy. Every time a voice in your head tells you how ‘worthless’ you are, counter it. Who knows, you may come up with a better way. It’s not an exact science, but you do need to work on it,” As she finished a soft alarm went off on her communicator. “I hate to say it Leonard, but our time for today is up. Make an appointment with me for next week, OK? I want to see you back here so we can keep working together.”

Bones stood with the Commander and shook her hand. She then led him out into the lobby. Jim sat there flipping through an old magazine*. He looked up to see his boyfriend walking towards him.

“How'd it go?” he smiled as he stood.

“It went well.” Bones answered tentatively.

“Don't forget to make another appointment before you go OK?” The Commander shook their hands and turned to head back to her office. “Oh, and remember what I told you.” She smiled sweetly before the door slid shut and left the doctor with his boyfriend and a few others sitting in the small lobby. Bones quickly made the appointment and left with Jim.

“She seems great,” Jim offered. Bones just nodded, still deep in thought. “Lunch?” All Jim wanted to do was ask miles of questions but he knew better. He knew that this needed to be something Bones shared with him of his own accord.

“Yeah, I'm starving.” Bones responded. They walked down to a small restaurant right off of Starfleet’s campus. It was one of the few places by Starfleet that hadn't been destroyed by the crashing of the USS Vengeance, 3 months ago.

“You’re going back to see her, that’s a good sign.” Jim offered.

“Yeah,” Bones said absently as he scanned the menu. He knew Jim wanted nothing more than to talk to him about the session but all Bones wanted to do was enjoy lunch with his boyfriend before going back to his shift at the medical center. “If you don't mind, can we talk about it later? I just want to have lunch.”

“Sure,” Jim nodded as he returned to the menu. “Oh, they're planning on upgrading a few things on the Enterprise as they fix her up. Any suggestions?”

“Bigger beds for one.” he said almost immediately with a crooked smile. Too many days had they had woken up cramped and sore from sharing a small bed in the other’s quarters. Jim threw his head back and laughed.

“I’ll pass that along.” he said still laughing. They ate lunch while discussing the changes being made to their ship and what they wanted to see done with her. Bones smiled all through lunch, enjoying the company of his boyfriend. Though it had only been a single session, he already felt better. He knew that it would still take time and effort to ‘get back to normal’ but he was relieved nonetheless.

“They could definitely add some more storage in Sick Bay. If we do get the 5-year-mission we're going to needed it,” Bones said as they walked out of the restaurant. Enjoying the sun, he looked over at Jim and felt his heart flutter as he saw on him in the sunlight. Hints of freckles graced his cheeks and nose. He was suddenly aware of his starring and focused on Jim’s words. “I’m sorry, what'd you say?”

“I said, I wanted to ask you a serious question.” Jim shifted nervously as Bones eyed him suspiciously.

“OK, shoot.”

“Maybe we should, ya know, move in together. On the ship I mean,” He fumbled over the words, afraid Bones would reject him. “We already live together here and we always sleep in the other’s quarters any way.”

Bones smiled at the thought and pulled Jim into a kiss. “I’d love it,” he responded after a few seconds of lip-lock. Jim sighed in relief as he grabbed Bones’ hand and walked with him to the Starfleet medical facility. Sharing one last kiss, they separated with promises of discussion and company later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *We're going to pretend they still have magazines in the 23rd century.  
> Also, if you see any errors or have any suggestions I'm all ears! :)


	3. Find a loving feeling inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has smut, but only at the end.

Bones spent the rest of his day in and out of classes and patients' rooms. Since they were grounded until the Enterprise was fixed, many of the crewmembers were helping with or even teaching classes and he was one of them. As much as he loved being a doctor, he disliked teaching just about as equally. Whenever it was discovered that he was the CMO of the Enterprise someone asked what it had been like during the incident with Khan. He would simply reply with “Terrifying” and refuse to answer any more questions. 

Jim was also badgered with questions. These, however, came from his superiors. Since the death of Admiral Marcus, Starfleet’s other admirals and captains had begun digging and rebuilding Starfleet’s structure, literally and figuratively. They were doing their best to ease affairs with the Klingons after the event at Qo'noS. This, mingled with the discovery of Admiral Marcus’ true intentions, placed Starfleet in a tough position. Peace talks were being arranged, building plans were being drawn up, and investigations were underway. Many officers praised Jim and his crew for their actions, but many also criticized him. This wore Jim down and by the end of his day he was cranky and exhausted. He never thought he'd miss medical leave this much.

Despite his sour day, he made his way home thinking only of Bones. Bones who was his rock and friend who, even during his own emotional toil, was only concerned with Jim’s well being. Opening the door to their apartment, he noticed he was the first home. He changed his clothes and made his way into the kitchen. After some digging, he accepted that there just wasn't any food in the apartment. Considering they were usually gallivanting through space, they never really need to keep food around. Sighing heavily he sat himself down on the sofa and began responding to messages on his PADD. 

The apartment door slid open an hour later to reveal an exhausted doctor. Looking up from his PADD, Jim smiled warmly at his boyfriend as he plopped down on the couch. 

“Rough day?” Jim asked with a smile. 

“Mmh,” was all Bones responded with as he laid his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. “I'm guessing we have nothing to eat?”

“Nothing. I guess we should get groceries at some point since we'll be here awhile,” Jim said absently as he continued typing on his PADD, leaning gently into Bones. Bones responded by wrapping his arm lazily around Jim’s waist. They sat there for a while in comfortable silence as Jim finished his messages. Sighing softly, Jim set his PADD aside and leaned his head back on Bones’ shoulder. 

Bones relished this moment. He knew that Jim would always be on the move and always looking for adventure, but he didn't mind. As long as Jim wanted him, he'd follow him all over the universe. His groaning stomach, however, was less concerned with love and pulled him out of his thoughts. 

“What’re you hungry for?” Jim asked. 

“I don't care.” Jim got up and retrieved their collection of delivery menus and flipped through them. Choosing one from the pile, he called in their usual order while Bones changed his clothes. The San Francisco sky was red and yellow with the setting sun as Jim made his way out onto their balcony. Observing the scene before him, he took in his home. Construction on the main buildings of Starfleet had already begun and restoration of the coastline was in full swing. It seemed wherever he turned there was a reminder of the betrayal of Admiral Marcus and the revenge of Khan. Wrapped in his thoughts he barely heard the heavy footsteps behind him until a gentle hand wrapped around his waist. 

“Rough day for you too?” Bones asked as placed his chin on Jim’s shoulder. 

“You could say so,” Jim sighed. He turned to face Bones and smiled wrapping his arms around Bones’ shoulders and kissing him deeply. Bones pulled Jim closer placing his hands on Jim’s hips. Jim's hands travelled up to cradle Bone's head. They remained on the balcony for some time lost in each other. A soft bell emanating from the apartment interrupted them. They broke apart and headed off to get their dinner. Settling in to eat, they began recounting their respective days to the other. 

“Admiral Archer has asked me to have a personal dinner this week.” Jim said casually from his end of the couch. Bones sensed there was more to his statement than he was letting on. 

“OK?” He said suspiciously, eyeing Jim with a smirk.

“He wants you to join us,” Bones looked up, wide eyed at Jim. Their relationship wasn't exactly a secret, but it wasn't exactly common knowledge either. Seeing as it was the 23rd century, no one cared that they were men. The only concerns any superiors had was that their relationship may be a conflict of interest. Bones was always worried it would someday become an issue and he was definitely not ready for this to be that day. “It’s just a dinner Bones, not a court marshal.”

“OK, I just,” Bones paused as he tried to collect his words carefully. “I guess I'm just worried as to why he wants us both there.” 

“He said he wanted to see how we were doing and that he just wanted to have us over for a casual dinner, without the pressure of Starfleet.” Bones smiled, obviously relaxed. Admiral Archer was one of Starfleet’s greatest admirals, at least in Bones’ opinion. He was always more concerned with crews and their well being instead of rules and regulations. 

“Well then I'm all for it.” 

“Good. I'll let him know,” Jim smiled as he took a bite. They sat in comfortable silence for a moment contemplating their thoughts. “So, do you want to talk about your session today?”

Bones knew this was coming and he wasn't looking forward to it. He hated having to lay all his troubles on Jim, but he knew that Jim wanted nothing more than to help his boyfriend. Sighing, Bones set aside his empty plate. 

“It was good. I'm still not entirely comfortable sharing everything with a stranger though.” He shifted farther down into the couch, tangling his legs with Jim’s as he went. 

“Do you think she'll help though?” 

“Definitely,” Bones’ answer was immediate and confident. This made Jim smile in relief. He hadn't seen his doctor so optimistic since before everything happened. “Besides, she is a trained professional.” Bones smirked as he watched Jim roll his eyes at the poor joke. 

“Well, I'm glad you're going to see her again. I haven't seen you this relaxed in quite awhile,” Jim set his plate down and moved so that he was straddling Bones’ hips. Bones smiled up at the man before him. He was happy. Lifting his hand, he pulled Jim down to kiss him. Soon, they were engulfed in each other. Running his hands down Jim’s back, Bones moved himself up a bit farther on the couch. Jim reached his hands under Bones’ shirt. Lifting as he went, Jim began planting small kisses on Bones’ stomach leading up to his chest. Finally, Bones lifted Jim’s shirt and removed it in one swift action. Jim followed suit, pulling off the doctor’s shirt and tossing it aside. He then found the button on his lover’s pants and hastily undid them. Moving quickly, Jim undid Bones’ trousers and began pushing them down as he continued kissing him. Bones moved his mouth down Jim’s neck, kissing every bit of skin he could. Once Bones’ pants were off, Jim began slowly removing the man’s underwear. Bones began fumbling with Jim’s pants, trying to remove them as fast as possible. Slipping his thumbs into the waistband of Jim’s underwear, Bones gently removed both garments and tossed them aside. “Wait!” 

Jim ran off into the bedroom and emerged, moments later, with a small bottle of lube. Grinning, Jim straddled Bones once more and finished removing Bones’ underwear. Without giving Bones any notice, Jim carefully began rubbing lube on Bones’ hardening member. He released a small moan as he lowered himself farther back onto the couch. Stealing the bottle from Jim, Bones applied lube to his fingers. Inserting one finger, Bones began opening Jim up slowly. A low moan escaped Jim as he steadied himself on the couch. Bones continued sliding his finger in and out of Jim opening him up gently. 

"M-more," Jim panted, gripping Bones' shoulder. Bones removed his finger and added more lube to his hand. Jim gasped as Bones pushed two fingers into his lover. Jim began to rock to the rhythm of Bones' strokes. Tightening the grip on Bones' penis, he stroked long and deliberately. Bones moaned desperately trying to focus on the man above him. "More."

Bones removed his fingers and added more lube. Pushing in three fingers into him, Jim released a pleased cry. Bones couldn't help but laugh softly.

"What's so funny Bones?" Jim panted through heavy lidded eyes. 

"I just love the way you sound." Bones smiled thrusting his fingers against Jim's prostate. Gasping again Jim bent down and kissed his boyfriend. Carefully and all at once, Jim removed Bones' fingers and mounted his rigid cock causing gasps of pleasure from both of them. Bones’ hips slowly started to pulsate beneath the captain. A low moan escaped Jim’s throat as Bones pressed against his prostate. He leaned forward and began nipping at Bones’ neck causing Bones to shiver in delight. 

“Bones,” Jim moaned as the doctor wrapped a free hand around Jim’s hard cock. Picking up speed, Bones thrusted his hips harder against his lover. “OH BONES!” Jim moaned as he felt a wonderful pressure build in his lower abdomen. Bones, feeling the same, began stroking Jim harder. His gentle fingers shaped to Jim’s penis almost perfectly causing Jim to arch his back. Jim placed his hands on Bone’s thighs, digging his fingers in with pleasure.

“Jim! Jim!” Bones called has the warm pressure built. Quickening his pace, Bones dug his nails into Jim’s lower back causing a high moan from his lover. Bones began circling his hips as he pumped his engorged penis into Jim’s trembling body. Jim was right on the verge. Any minute now he knew he'd cum. He looked down at his boyfriend beneath him; head back, eyes fluttering, mouth panting, sweat building in a fine sheen across his body. 

“I’m gonna… I'm gonna!” And with a squeal, Jim came. He shivered with pleasure as his load released on his lover’s chest. His body trembled, approving of the waves of pleasure rolling over him. Bones continued pulsing beneath him, on the brink of climax himself. 

“OH JIM!” Bones’ moaned loudly as his body tensed, reaching orgasm. He felt the pressure release causing a deep feeling of ecstasy and relaxation. He panted relaxing his grip on Jim’s lower back. Bones couldn't help but stare at the man above him. Jim’s skin glistening with sweat, chest heaving, eyes gentle and relaxed. Removing himself from Bones, Jim reached over to their small coffee table and grabbed a tissue to clean his lover’s chest. Bones brought a gentle hand up to Jim’s cheek and stroked a bead of sweat away. “I love you, Jim.”

Jim’s smile warmed the room. “I love you too,” he replied leaning down to plant a kiss on his lover’s lips. The rest of the night was spent tangled in each other’s arms on the couch smiling, talking, and laughing. An optimistic feeling warmed their home as they reveled in the knowledge that they were both healing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on the smut (and the rest) are welcome. I wasn't sure how to go about all of this. Also, I'm a bit blocked on how to start the next chapter. Any suggestions?


	4. With a gentle hum, Is just begun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones and Jim try to carry on as normally as possible only to have a wrench thrown into their days.

He felt like he was drowning; like he was being pulled deeper and deeper into icy, black, water. His hands grasped, unsuccessfully, at the cold water around him as he searched for something to stop his descent. Ice seemed to fill his lungs with every gasp. 

“Bones! Bones wake up!” Gasping and shaking, Bones awoke to a pale, and sleep ridden Jim. His breath began to even as he looked around, centering himself. He was in his apartment, on Earth. He was on his couch. It was still dark outside, therefore early in the morning. “Hey,” Jim was tender as he looked into Bones’ eyes. Bones sighed in relief. Jim was still there. His anchor was still there. He wrapped his arms around Jim and pulled him into a hug. Jim rested himself back on Bones’ chest. 

“What was it?” Jim asked cautiously.

“I think I was drowning,” Bones answered after some time. “I was being pulled down and I couldn't stop it.” Bones tightened his embrace on Jim. He closed his eyes and sighed as his breathing finally returned to normal. 

Jim didn't know what to say. He wanted to assure Bones everything was OK, but he couldn’t. There were no words he could find that could make Bones better, that could stop his pain. Kissing Bones’ temple, Jim nestled his head next his boyfriend’s. “I’m sorry.” 

Bones practically melted into Jim. He knew Jim wanted to fix this so badly; that Jim would do anything to make Bones better. This fact made him feel both comforted and contrite. It was amazing to have a lover that would do anything for him, but it was also terrifying. He felt the shame, guilt, and lack of worth wash over him as it did everyday. Secretly, he wished Jim could fix this. This made him sink even farther into the dark hole growing in his mind. That’s when a small voice in the back of his mind spoke up. ‘You are worthy of him. You are worthy of all the time and attention anyone and everyone spend on you.’ Commander Gupta’s words came to his attention. He rolled them around in his mind, contemplating their validity. “I love you.” he whispered. 

“I love you too.” Jim smiled and closed his eyes. For the first time in a long time, the pair was able to return to sleep. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morning crept in and sent them about their day. Bones went to the hospital and Jim, to headquarters to continue preparing Starfleet, his ship, and himself for the changes taking place. Bones worried about Jim being back so soon. He worried that the sum of it all would be too much for Jim and his still weak body. Though he had been released from the hospital’s watchful care, Jim was still weak and healing. Almost everyday, he visited a physical therapist to help regain lost muscle, coordination, and stamina. These were things he desperately needed if he wanted to return to his command aboard the Enterprise. 

Today, Jim was more tired than he had been since he left the hospital. He guessed it was the effect of the night’s events. This made him smile as he sat, a bit uncomfortably, through yet another meeting. This meeting, along with many others, was about the current condition of relations with the Klingon Empire. The Klingons were slowly easing off their angry position against the Federation but not without great effort. Spock sat in on most of the same meetings to help share the burden of these issues with his captain. Spock’s logical view however, did not always make this easy. He was not always able to understand the Klingons’ need for honor, yet he now understood their need for retribution. Watching one of his only friends die had caused his emotional floodgate to break and nearly kill a man. This had initially shaken him, but his logical mind kicked in and saved him from further emotional instability. Nyota had helped too. 

Leaving the meeting, Spock took in his captain’s tired appearance. Dark circles under his eyes, still a bit pale, and thin. 

“Are you feeling well today?” Jim looked at Spock, a bit surprised at his friend’s question. “You look tired. Do you need to return home to rest?” 

“Oh, I'm fine,” Jim smiled. And it was true. Even though he was tired he was fine. He was hopeful actually. Last night’s nightmare had been short and easily overcome for his boyfriend. He knew that could change any night, but he still enjoyed the idea of Bones healing. “Just had a long night.” He smiled wistfully at Spock.

Spock nodded, knowing his friend was being honest. The pair spent the next few hours in and out of meetings until they were both at their wits’ end with the tediousness of it all. Around 1, the pair made their way to a much needed lunch to regain some semblance of their patience. 

“How is Dr. McCoy? I have not seen him in a while,” Spock asked as they waited on their lunches. He had known about the couple since Bones had risked his career to get Jim onto the Enterprise a year ago. Spock had always admired the doctor’s heart and dedication to not only his work, but to his friends and loved ones. He also held a great deal of respect for the man who tirelessly gave and aided others even when he himself needed help. 

“He’s.... well he’s,” Jim wanted to share with Spock. He wanted to get everything off his chest, but he didn't want to betray his boyfriend’s trust. “He’s still dealing with it all.” Spock furrowed his brow and nodded at the rather cryptic response, but didn't press any farther understanding his captain’s reservations. 

“Well I hope he is well. He did not appear in good condition the last I saw him.” He immediately blushed a gentle shade of green, afraid he'd overstepped a line. Jim simply smiled and assured Spock that Bones was getting better and that he'd pass along his encouragement.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bones’ day was going just about the same in terms of tediousness when he arrived at the small classroom in Starfleet’s medical center. This class was one of the harder classes taught at Starfleet. It taught the importance and skills necessary in dealing with emergency and unusual circumstances aboard a starship. Though the concept seemed like common sense many times, it was an area every Starfleet doctor needed to understand and be as prepared as possible for. Bones had never enjoyed this class when he took it at the academy, but he understood it’s importance and therefore, was more than willing to assist with the class. 

The students began filing in slowly as Bones and the other teachers set up for the day’s lesson. Today, they were discussing the importance of respecting other races and their cultures when treating patients. Bones was simply aiding this day, serving only as a source for examples and assistance. The bell chimed and the students quieted and turned their attention to Dr. Katherine Terry as she began the lesson. 

They were nearly done with the hour and a half long class period when it happened. A student, innocent enough, came up to Bones and began asking questions. 

“So say your spouse is wounded badly, are you supposed to turn care over to a fellow doctor or nurse immediately, seeing as it is considered a conflict of interest to treat them?” Her question was simple enough, but for some reason, Bones couldn't help but be derailed by it. This student had no idea what Bones had been through in the past few months so had no idea why her question flustered him so.

“Technically yes, but sometimes you're able to treat them yourselves. It really just depends on the situation,” he managed to recover in time to answer her question without seeming entirely thrown by it. The student nodded and thanked him. The class bell rang and students began leaving. Bones went to collect his things only to find that his hands were shaking and would not work properly. Noticing his struggles, Dr. Terry came over to check on him. “I’m OK. I just need to eat something,” he lied. Picking up on his uncertainty, she informed him she would accompany him to lunch in order to make sure he was alright. This only shook Bones more. Suddenly, he was afraid. He didn't want his colleagues thinking he couldn't do his job or that he was broken. But, he knew better than to argue with the doctor, so instead asked her to wait while he used the restroom.

He entered the lavatory to find it, thankfully, empty. Dropping his bag, he moved to a sink and started the cold water. His hands shook harder as he splashed the cool liquid on his face. His reflection betrayed him showing a man with deep, dark circles under his eyes, no color in his complexion, and bloodshot eyes. Suddenly his knees weakened and he grasped the sink tightly in an attempt to stay standing. Waves of the emotions he'd felt the night before washed over him again, only this time, they wrapped around his chest and squeezed the air swiftly from his lungs. Tears began pouring from his eyes as he remembered every horrid moment of the Enterprise’s fall to Earth, of the deaths of his fellow crew members, of Jim’s sacrifice. His knees finally gave way as his body rushed towards the floor. The last thing Bones was aware of was a sharp, crushing pain ripping through his head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be another chapter here shortly. Thank you all for your suggestions! They're wonderful and I love them! Tell me what you think so far.


	5. For anyone who cares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim must deal with the aftermath of Bones' day.

“I hear Admiral Archer wants to have dinner with you and Dr. McCoy. Are you planning on accepting his invitation?” Spock asked curiously as he and the captain walked to meet with Scotty about the Enterprise and the repairs currently being made. 

“Yes. I responded to him this morning. We’re going over tomorrow,” Jim responded gleefully. Admiral Archer had always been something of an icon to him. Captaining the Enterprise of his time, he was known as the greatest explorer of the 22nd century. Even at the current age of 141, Archer was still an invaluable member of Starfleet. He provided insight and experience as well as perspective. Archer had been through about as much as any captain could go through. Everything from the Temporal Cold War to losing one of his best friends and officers, Commander Tucker, and still being able to complete the mission at hand. “I have to admit, I’m pretty excited.” 

“It will be a notable experience.” Spock mused. They were interrupted by an abrupt beeping on Jim’s communicator. 

“This is Captain Kirk.” Jim answered absently.

“Captain Kirk, this is Nurse Diesel* at the Starfleet Medical Center.” Jim furrowed his brow in confusion. Nurses usually called him about his physical therapy or appointments earlier. Besides, he didn't have an appointment today nor did he recognize the name. 

“How can I help you ma'am?” Jim asked tentatively.

“I’m calling to inform you that 15 minutes ago we admitted a Dr. Leonard H. McCoy to our emergency center,” Jim froze. Bones was in the hospital. So many questions ran through his mind it almost felt blank. The nurse continued on, but he no longer heard her. He stared at the communicator before him in disbelief. He began to panic. “Captain?”

“Captain,” Jim was suddenly pulled out of his head by Spock’s voice. Looking up at his first officer, Spock looked Jim in the eyes. “Go to him, I'll take care of everything here. Just go.” 

“Yes, I’ll be right there,” Jim spoke shakily as he ran off towards the Medical Center. If Nurse Diesel said anything else, he didn't hear it. Fumbling, he jammed his communicator in his pocket. It felt like ages before he reached the Center’s doors. He ran to the front desk, lost and scared. 

“Where is Leonard McCoy?” He didn't mean to come off as rude, but he was too worried about Bones to use his social graces effectively. 

“Let me check,” the young nurse behind the counter calmly searched the screen before him. Finding the name he turned back to the sweating, shaking man before him. “He is in the emergency unit right now being checked out by a doctor. You'll need to wait to see him, however I can take you over.” The young man looked at Jim warmly as he showed him the way. They arrived at a busy intersection labeled Emergency. The nurse at the station looked up at the men approaching. 

“Captain Kirk?” She asked. 

“Y-yes,” he choked. 

“Thank you Roger,” She smiled at the nurse and grabbed a PADD, preparing it for Jim. Roger nodded and smiled at Jim as he left. “OK, right now Leonard is being examined by a doctor, so it will be some time before you can see him. I do need a few questions answered as well as some forms filled out. Are you able to do that right now?” 

“Yeah, I think so,” Jim swallowed hard as he calmed himself in preparation for her questions. She nodded lightly as she punched a few buttons on her PADD. 

“OK, relation to the patient?” 

“Boyfriend.” 

“Any prior medical issues we should know about?” 

Jim thought for a moment. He knew he needed to tell them about Bones’ panic attacks, but he was mainly preparing himself for the fallout from Bones. “Yes, lately he’s been having severe panic attacks and nightmares. He hasn't gone more than 3 days in the last month without having an attack, and he has nightmares almost every night that wake him up.” Diesel looked up at the young captain before her. Sympathy flashed in her face as she made the necessary notes in the doctor’s file. 

“How severe are these attacks? How does it affect him physically?” 

“Well, recently they've gotten worse. They're to the point where his legs give out, sometimes he even gets sick. He get’s terrible headaches too, especially right after an attack.” The nurse nodded and finished entering her notes.** 

“If you'll now just fill these out to the best of your knowledge, I’ll get these notes to the doctor and see if I can get an update on Dr. McCoy for you, OK?” Jim nodded, taking the PADD. He made his way to the sitting area and took a seat. The forms included a brief medical history, a statement of hospital policies, and other typical mundane documents. Moments later, Nurse Diesel reappeared and approached the pale captain. 

“It appears that he experienced head trauma. It looks to have been caused by a panic attack. The doctor who called an ambulance for him said that he had entered the bathroom and was shaky and pale. His knees may have given out, as you said earlier. On his way down, his head must've hit the sink and knocked him out however the doctor is still working to confirm this,” Jim couldn't say anything. He only nodded and sat there in stunned silence. How could this have happened? He know Bones’ panic attacks were dangerous, especially since he found him in the shower the other day, but he didn't realize just how dangerous. Tears stung at his eyes as he waited. "Can I get you anything, Captain?" 

"No. Thank you Nurse." She nodded, collected the PADD, and returned to her post. 

“Hey,” he looked to his right to see a familiar face. Uhura had concern etched into her face as she took a seat next to her captain and friend. “What happened?” 

“He.. he had a panic attack and it caused his legs to give out and he hit his head on a sink and-" Jim’s voice cracked as he tried to remain calm. He closed his eyes and tried breathing as deeply as possible. Uhura held his hand as he struggled to regain composure. “They're not completely sure, but that’s what they think happened.” 

“Why did he have a panic attack?” She had been busy lately and hadn’t had as much time as she'd wished to catch up with her fellow crewmembers. 

“He’s been struggling to handle everything lately. All of it has really taken it’s toll on him.” Jim relaxed a bit in her company. Uhura had always been one of the best officers and friends he'd ever known. She was never afraid to tell him when he was wrong or to show him support when he needed it most. She squeezed his hand and sat with him until the doctor could give them any news of Bones’ condition. 

It felt like years before anyone gave them anything and when they did it was simply ‘the doctor is still with him.’ Jim’s concern grew more and more as time progressed. The longer it took, the more his mind betrayed him, thinking up terrible thoughts of Bones’ condition. 

“Captain Kirk?” Jim snapped his head up to see a tall woman searching the waiting room. 

“Yes?” He stood up quickly, unable to hide any emotion he felt. 

“Hi, I'm Dr. Robins. I've been examining Leonard.” She was tall, strong, and had determination written all over her. 

“How is he? Can I see him?” Jim couldn't contain himself any longer. His boyfriend was hurt and he was powerless to help him. 

“Jim, breathe.” Uhura cradled the captain’s shoulder, attempting to calm him. Jim nodded and tried to relax. 

“He’s going to be alright,” She smiled as she said the words, knowing Jim could use all the comfort he could get. “He did sustain a pretty bad concussion though, so we'll want to keep him overnight just to monitor him,” Jim’s body finally relaxed. He was OK; his Bones was OK. “I’d like to ask you more about his panic attacks though. Do you mind if we step inside here?” She gestured to a small room just away from the waiting area. Jim tensed again, knowing Bones was going to be angry when he found out about all this. 

“OK, but she’s coming with me,” Jim wasn't going to be able to stay calm by himself and he knew it. Uhura grabbed his hand and stood next to him, almost defiantly. 

“OK,” Robinson smiled and lead them into the small room. There they sat for some time, discussing Bones’ health for over an hour. Uhura slowly paled as she heard about how difficult it all was for Bones. How had she not known? Why hadn't she tried harder to be there for him? All this and more swam in her head as she sat silently. She mentally resolved to do more to help her friends and do all she could to help heal Bones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Reference to Mel Brooks' High Anxiety (IDK)  
> **I know there are more questions and procedures for hospital stays, but we're going to pretend that this is it.
> 
> Thank you all again for your wonderful suggestions! I love them all and have them all written down in my notebook.


	6. Solemn faces in the courtroom stare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just because they love each other, doesn't mean they always get along.

He was first aware of a roaring pain emanating from the right side of his forehead. The pain ripped through him with greater force as he moved his head in an attempt to block out the blinding light above him. His stomach turned, gripped with nausea. A deep moan escaped his lips. He could barely think, he could barely breathe. Fear gripped him as he struggled to understand what had happened. Visions of the past invaded his mind as he tried desperately to center himself. 

”Hey it’s OK. I’ve got ya Bones,” Jim’s gentle voice pierced through his terror. He felt a squeeze in his left hand and a gentle brush of a thumb on his cheek. 

“Lights,” Bones croaked. His throat was tight and dry. Speaking hurt. The lights remained on, the room’s computer unable to understand his request. 

“Lights,” Jim spoke a bit louder. Silently, the lights switched off leaving the couple in the glow of the setting sun. Bones struggled to relax. “Wh-what happened?” 

“You had an attack and hit your head pretty hard. You've got a pretty bad concussion,” Jim continued stroking Bones’ stubbled cheek, hoping the touch would help soothe the panicking man. Bones’ head pounded as he struggled to focus Jim’s words. Then a harsh realization hit him.

“They know?” Bones was apprehensive of his peers finding out. If they did, he'd most likely have to go through endless evaluations, talks, and performance reviews. The tediousness of it all fed the fear of the already weary man. 

“Yeah, I….I told them,” Jim held his breath, waiting for Bone’s anger. Instead Bones just sighed and gently turned his head towards Jim causing another wave of pain and nausea to roll over him. “You're not mad?” 

“Not at you. I would've done the same,” Bones looked Jim in the eye and saw relief fill his lover’s eyes. They were interrupted by a soft knock. 

“Hey there. How're you feeling?” Uhura walked to Bones’ left, standing next to Jim. She smiled warmly at Bones hoping she wasn't overstepping any unseen boundaries. 

“Like shit. I guess the sink won this round,” Bones smirked, glad to have company. A sudden wave of humiliation filled his chest. How the hell does she know? What is she doing here? Almost immediately, he understood she was there, not out of pity, but out of her own care for her friend. He was glad to have support. Uhura gave a small laugh glad to see her friend still had a sense of humor even though he was going through hell. She sat down gently on the edge of his bed. For the first time in months the three of them were able to sit and talk without needing to report to some superior about their actions. 

Bones was released the following morning after extensive talks with Dr. Robinson about aftercare and what would happen next. She sat with the couple for over an hour. He was to continue seeing Commander Gupta and would be placed under the care of Dr. Robinson. Bones would be examined monthly, both physically and mentally, and placed on medications to help ease his symptoms. Nothing on the topic was said, but he knew the implications if he were to fail to get better. He knew if he was deemed emotionally unfit for duty he wouldn't be able to join his boyfriend and friends aboard the Enterprise. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arriving home in the early afternoon hours, the couple was quiet. Bones thought of all that was riding on him. He felt like a failure. The doctor hadn't felt this kind of pain since his father passed. Tears began to sting his eyes as he walked into the bathroom. When he saw his reflection he couldn't help but grimace. Eyes still bloodshot, the dark bags stood out with severity. Hair was unkempt and stray. And then there was his forehead. A knot the size of his fist had formed just above his right eye causing his eyebrow to swell in an almost comical fashion. A bruise was already forming, hued by shades of red and purple. Tearing his eyes away from the bruise was almost too difficult. It was a scarlet letter marking his failure. His thoughts continued betraying him as he heard Jim come up next to him. 

“I’m going to take a wild guess here and say you didn't tell Gupta about your panic attacks,” Bones looked over at the man. He nearly flinched when he saw the anger in Jim’s eyes. Yet another thing he failed at; full disclosure. “You promised me you'd tell her just how bad it was.”

“I didn't leave it out on purpose,” He immediately felt defensive and he couldn't help himself. “It just didn't come up. Besides, you're in no place to lecture me about what I should and shouldn't be telling!” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jim’s brows were stitched together in a hard line. His forehead wrinkled in anger and confusion. 

“How the hell did Uhura find out?” Bones was shouting now. He felt humiliated, betrayed even. 

“Excuse me? She’s our friend!” Jim immediately felt guilty. He knew he shouldn't have told anyone without Bones’ permission, but he didn't regret telling Uhura. 

“Yes, but it was none of her business dammit! And how does she know?” His voice was demanding as he pushed past Jim into their bedroom and then the living room. Tears formed heavily in his eyes as he balled his fists. 

Jim followed his boyfriend. His brow relaxed a bit as his eyes searched Bones's face, nervously trying to find the right words .

“I was with Spock when I got the call bu-“

“Jesus Jim! Who the fuck else have you told? Scotty? Sulu?” Bones couldn't help himself. His fear and humiliation overtook him. His fear of losing Jim, of losing his place on the Enterprise, of losing this battle this monster ruining his life. 

“Hey! I didn't know what to do! You were in the hospital and I couldn't see you and Uhura just showed up! You said yourself you would've done the same.” Jim began getting scared. Sure the couple had had fights before, but they'd never been about something as consequential as this. 

“The doctors are one thing Jim, but everyone else? How the fuck would you feel if I told everyone you had something like this?” Bones face was streaked with tears as he tried to keep his voice steady. 

Jim paused. He didn't know how to respond. Then he understood everything Bones was feeling; sadness, anger, humiliation, fear. His face relaxed as he approached his lover slowly. 

“I didn’t realize-“

“What!? That I’d be humiliated!? I am a doctor Jim! If people don’t think I can take care of myself how the hell do they expect me to help them!” The pair stood there for a moment studying each other. Tears still clung to Bones’ cheeks. Jim’s face was etched with remorse and compassion. 

“I’m sorry,” Jim’s hand reached up and wiped the tears from Bones’ cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I hadn’t thought of it all from your perspective.”

Bones relaxed a bit at the touch. He knew Jim never meant to hurt him and he had only done what he thought was best at the time. Besides, neither of them really knew how to deal with stuff like this anyway. When they met they had been broken. Jim had been spiraling, self-destructing with nothing to stop him. Bones had lost everything; his wife, his job, his way of life.* The pair had clicked almost immediately. Despite the obvious physical attraction, they shared something deeper; something neither of them could really place or describe. 

“I know,” Bones sighed. As bad as he felt, he couldn’t stay mad. Jim was his center and had been since the day they’d met. “I know, I’m-I’m sorry too.” 

“You don’t need to be. That’s part of the problem,” Jim was gentle as he rested his other hand on Bones’ waist. “You’re sorry for things you don’t need to be sorry for.” 

Bones wanted to protest. He wanted to tell Jim that he should be sorry. That everything that was happening to him was own fault and Jim shouldn’t have to handle this right now. He wanted to stop feeling like a burden, but when he opened his mouth nothing came out. Bones surrendered to Jim’s logic and laid his head on Jim’s broad shoulder, pulling Jim into a warm embrace. Jim’s strong hands travelled up and down the doctor’s back, attempting to rub away all the pain and sadness. The pair remained wrapped in each other for some time. They were interrupted by the soft chime of Jim’s communicator. 

“Shit,” Jim muttered as he grabbed the device quickly. Flipping it open he was greeted by a warm voice.

“Hey there Captain. I was just checking in. I know there was an incident today and I just wanted to see how everybody’s doing.” Archer’s voice was deep and kind. He hadn’t been a captain for years but he never forgot the toll it could take on a person. 

“Yeah,” Jim sighed slightly as he tried to word everything so that Bones wouldn’t feel the same embarrassment he’d had earlier. “Everyone’s OK. Just an accident is all.” 

“OK, well I was hoping we could reschedule. I know that last thing you guys need right now is to have to sit and listen to an old man’s rambling.” 

“Sounds good,” Jim laughed. He had forgot about their dinner with the admiral. Feeling a bit guilty he was more than willing to agree to postponing sharing Bones that day. “Same time next week?” 

“That sounds great. Tell Dr. McCoy I send my regards.” 

“I will,” he said with a smile. “and thank you. We’re looking forward to it.” The call ended, allowing Jim to return his attention to Bones who was now seated on the couch with his head back and eyes closed. Jim slid down next to him and began absently stroking the doctor’s hair. Bones gave a small smile and leaned into the touch. Staring at his boyfriend he knew he could never leave this man. Jim knew how much Bones needed him and how much he needed Bones. He thought, as he did often, of growing old with the man next to him. Watching the man’s dark, rich hair grey, tracing the laugh lines along his eyes. Jim smiled deeply. This man meant everything to him and he would stay with him even if it meant leaving the Enterprise and his crew. He loved this man and would never let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I was worried about about how to stage their fight. I didn't want to make it too thought out since they're both pretty passionate people, but I didn't want to make it something that was super ridiculous where they reconcile cleanly at the end. If you have any suggestions or opinions I'd love to hear them! Thank you all for continuing to read this. I didn't expect this to become so big and I'm so flattered that you guys like it. 
> 
> *I did some research and, according to Memory Alpha, his wife's name was Pamela (in AOS) and I didn't see one listed for his wife in TOS. I'm assuming he DOESN'T have a kid just because it's less painful for me that way. So there?  
> **I know concussions are a big deal, but I'm assuming that by the 23rd century, they've figured out how to handle those a bit better.


	7. Bringing it Back to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therapy can be tedious, but they're going for a reason.

The rest of the week passed slowly, especially for Bones. He'd been temporarily relieved from duty to allow him time to heal as well as to begin treatment for his panic attacks and he hated it. He felt useless and trapped. Jim wanted to stay home with him, but he had to return to his duties. This left Bones with time to himself. He didn't mind being alone. In fact, he liked working by himself but he didn't have any work to do. This allowed his mind to wander and, sometimes, he worried the wandering would go too far. 

Bones saw Commander Gupta on Monday morning. It had been five days since he'd given himself a concussion and he was still nervous to be by himself. He was still preparing himself for the scolding words and disappointed looks he was sure to receive from Gupta as he entered the lobby of the office. To his surprise, Jim was sitting against the far wall reading something with great intensity on his PADD. He sat down quietly next to the captain thinking the man was wrapped entirely in his thoughts. 

“Hey!” Jim’s eyes immediately moved to Bones. The doctor couldn't help but smile. It was amazing how quickly Jim could change expression and, in turn, change the atmosphere of the room. 

“Hey yourself,” Bones replied still smiling like a dork. “I thought you weren't going to be able to make it.” 

“I moved some stuff around,” Jim shrugged. They sat there, discussing the changes being made to the Enterprise as they waited. Nothing new or exciting had been added, but the idea of bigger beds seemed to be a popular suggestion among the crew. 

“Dr. McCoy? I'll take you back now,” a young man stood at the open door. The pair followed the man to the same room they'd seen only a few days before. They sat down on the love seat and waited for the commander. Bones was noticeably quiet, causing Jim to reach over and take the doctor’s right hand. Bones looked up at Jim’s coy smile. The captain's eyes told him everything would be ok, even if he couldn't promise it aloud.

“Hello Doctor. Hello Captain,” Commander Gupta smiled warmly as the door slid open. They stood to greet her and the session began. Settling into her chair she set her PADD aside and looked Bones straight in the eye. “So, how’s your head?”

“It’s fine. Still a bit tender.” he was anxious. Waiting for the words for scorn was almost more than he could bear. His head wasn't swollen anymore, but it was still more colorful than a Van Gogh painting. 

“Good,” She smiled. “What I need to know is why you didn't tell me about these debilitating panic attacks.” 

“Well,” Bones had tried to have the answer to this question ready and rehearsed, but when the time came, he couldn’t help but blank. Excuses would only get him so far. “It…it didn’t really come up….” 

“OK,” Gupta nodded. “How often do your panic attacks occur?” 

“A few times a week,” Bones was sat uncomfortably still, preparing himself for Gupta’s disappointment. 

“When you feel one of these attacks coming on, what do you do? How do you try to stop it?” Gupta was looking directly into Bones’ eyes. He paused for a moment. Wasn't she supposed to scold him? Be angry with him? 

“Well, I usually can’t stop it. It just hits me. I’m not aware that I'm about to have one until I’m having one.”

“Looking back, do see anything similar that happens before you have one? For example, did someone say something or were you doing something that could’ve triggered one?” 

Bones sat for a moment. He tried to think back to his prior attacks but it started making him anxious. Just thinking about the attacks made him tense up. Chest tightening, he tried focusing on the question. Jim sensed the tension and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“A lot of the time I have them after a class or a nightmare.”

“I know this is uncomfortable, but I need to know as much as I can so that way we can find ways for you to stop these attacks before they get too severe,” Gupta was leaning forward in her chair. It was obvious she was concerned for Bones. She studied him for a moment before continuing. “Now, this last one, what happened right before it? What were you doing?” 

“I was in class,” Bones swallowed hard. He hadn't told Jim how it had happened and he was afraid Jim would react the way he had when they'd returned from the hospital. “A student asked me about procedures for when your spouse was injured.” 

“What happened next?”

Bones was desperately hoping she'd move to some other question, instead she did her job and wanted to understand the how and why of the incident. “I answered her as best I could, but it really shook me up. I'm still not sure why it made me so upset.” Bones’ hands had become a tight knot, his eyes focused solely on the floor. He had spent hours trying to find a legitimate reason for why he'd been so upset, for why he'd had such a horrible panic attack. It was beyond frustrating to be unable to find the answer. Being a doctor, he was trained to search for answers, whatever they may be. Yet he couldn't find this one and this frustrated him to no end. 

“How did you end up in the bathroom?” 

“One of the other teachers invited me to lunch. I went to the bathroom to calm down but….” Bones swallowed hard. Jim began rubbing gentle circles on Bones’ back. The motion relaxed his shoulders some as he struggled to maintain his even breath. 

“Ya know, white knuckling considered, you're doing a pretty good job of not having a panic attack right now,” Bones looked up, surprised. A small smile had formed on her face. Bones didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t help but be relieved. If his therapist thought he was doing a good job fighting this attack well then he may not be as bad off as he thought. “Here’s the deal, you’re a smart guy. What I really want to know right now is why you don’t think you are allowed to ask for help.”

Bones had always wrestled with this issue. He’d been terrible at asking for help with anything and his emotional well-being was no different. He’d never really spent time analyzing himself or why he felt the way he did. Sitting in silence, he began to think. His brow furrowed in thought, a thing that always distracted Kirk. The more he thought about it, the more confused by it he was.

“I’d like your input Jim,” Jim looked at the commander in shock. He didn’t want to put words in Bones’ mouth, but he knew the commander wouldn’t ask if she didn’t think it was appropriate. “Why do think he doesn’t ask for help?” 

“Well,” taking a large breath, he formulated his words carefully. He shifted towards Bones who’s eyes were scared and worried. “I think that you’re trying to protect people and that you think, since you're a doctor, you think you should be able to handle everything on your own.” Even though Jim and Bones had discussed this the other day, it was still a topic Jim didn't want to let go. 

“What do you think Leonard?” Gupta was gentle as she asked. 

“I,” Bones was still staring at Jim. He didn't know how to respond. Jim was right; he was always right. A heavy sigh escaped him as he responded. “That’s about right.” 

“I’m getting the idea you two have talked about this since I last saw you.” She smiled lightly as she leaned back in her chair. 

“A bit,” Bones offered. Gupta smiled and then dove head-first into her new ‘game plan’ for Bones. He was to tell both Jim and she whenever he had a panic attack and to then find ways to self-soothe when those attacks begin to present themselves. Bones was told to allow others to help him, no matter who it may be, but that he can start slowly and primarily with Jim. The commander also asked Bones to try a new daily routine; a walk or run in the morning and/or evenings. This time would help him to decompress from everything he was feeling and thinking that day. The commander was hopeful for Bones and told him so. As they neared the end of their session, the commander asked a question that Bones had been hoping to avoid for as long as he could. 

“Now, I know that we're on the path to recovery here, and I don't want to think I'm discouraging you or that I don't believe in you, but we also need to talk about other possibilities. I know your ship is up for consideration for the 5-year mission. Have you thought about what happens if you are not cleared for duty on the Enterprise?” 

Silence suffocated the room as Bones swallowed hard. He looked back down at his hands. “A bit,” was all he could say to the question. 

“I would stay with him on Earth.” Jim said suddenly. Bones’ head snapped up so fast he almost gave himself whiplash. Jim’s eyes were sincere and set. 

“No,” Bones replied, guilt filling his lungs. “No, you're not going to stop just for me! That’s not going to happen.” 

“Yes it is,” Jim’s voice was calm and gentle as he stood, or sat, his ground. “I've thought about it, and I don't want to go if you can't go with me.” 

“NO!” Bones was so upset he was shaking now. “Dammit Jim, I'm not going to let you throw away your future just because I can’t go with you! Staying on Earth when you could be out there would be a waste of your time!” Bones was furious. He couldn't figure out why Jim would throw away something he’s worked so hard to get, something that has brought him so much happiness, just because of him. 

Jim’s face twisted in confusion. “I wouldn't be wasting my time and I definitely wouldn't be wasting my future,” his eyebrows were stitched together in a hard line, his eyes piercing Bones’. “I love you and, I know this is corny, but I don't care where my future is as long as I'm with you.” Bones sat there speechless. He suddenly felt foolish for ever believing that Jim would leave him. A wash of relief and comfort washed over him. 

They were suddenly startled by a soft alarm. “Well, that's definitely something you two are going to need to continue to discuss throughout this process,” Gupta smiled softly. Rising she began leading them out. “Remember; walks and let us know if something happens OK?” Bones could only nod, still deep in thought. 

The couple headed out to the lifts and boarded the first empty one. Once the doors slid shut Bones halted the shuttle and turned to Jim. His hands cupped Jim’s face as he began kissing his boyfriend. Jim wrapped his arms gently around Bones’ waist, leaning into the kiss. It was passionate and electric, filling them with warmth and hope. 

“I love you.” Bones whispered through kisses. Bones felt Jim’s lips pull into a smile underneath his own. 

“I love you too,” Jim held Bones gently yet securely. Wrapped in only each other, they lost track of how long they were in the elevator. When they finally broke apart and walked out into the San Francisco afternoon, they grasped hands. Jim had to return to meetings so the couple walked, hand-in-hand in the warm afternoon breeze. When they reached the Starfleet headquarters building Jim turned to Bones and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. If people didn't know before, they probably knew now.

Bones took this opportunity to wander. He was still in his civies, so there was no worry of being recognized by other officers. The afternoon was warm and slightly humid. Bones made his way through avenues and buildings looking for nothing in particular. Eventually, he found himself at the San Francisco coastline. There were few people milling about the sand and shore that day. He had never been particularly fond of the beach. The heat, crowds, and getting sand in every crevice of your body to continue finding it for days after your trip was never really his idea of 'relaxing'. Today, however, he saw it's appeal. The rhythm of the waves mixed with the cool, salty breeze offered him a calm he desperately needed. There were enough clouds to keep the sand from radiating pure heat and the wood benches were clean and empty. Bones sat down and took in everything before him. Even after Earth had nearly been destroyed, even after Jim’s dance with death, Bones and he were still here. Bones felt an almost overwhelming awareness of life; of all the life he had yet to live, and of all the life Jim and he had yet to share. He sat as long as he could before the sun began to burn his nose. Walking home, he paid attention to everyone he saw. They were still here. Despite everything they had been through they were still here too. Waitresses, janitors, teachers, mothers, fathers; they were still here, still living and so was he. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really hard for me. I wasn't sure how I wanted to handle everything that was going on and how detailed it needed to be. I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out though. As always, constructive criticism and discussion are welcome. :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner with Archer leads to kissing under the stars.

Bones sat in the cool air of the San Francisco afternoon catching up on medical journals. The warm sun beat down on his face. He lifted his feet to rest on the balcony railing and closed his eyes. The cooling wind signified fall's inevitable arrival to the seaside city. Bones sat, trying to enjoy the beautiful day before him. Though he’d had a great start, the week had been hard on him. It was Thursday which meant dinner with Admiral Archer. He couldn’t help but be tense about it all. Though he respected the man and knew he only wanted to help, Bones couldn’t help but be anxious. Archer still had great influence at Starfleet even though he was retired. This meant, at least in Bones’ mind, that he could make or break his chances of being reassigned to the Enterprise. 

“Hey there,” a deep, warm voice roused Bones from his thoughts. Turning he saw Jim leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, loving smirk planted on his face. Bones’ breath caught as his stomach flipped at the sight. No matter how long he was with Jim, Bones always got butterflies when he was around. “ Have a nice nap?” 

Bones matched his smirk and set his own PADD aside. “Until you disturbed me, yeah.” He chided. 

Jim rolled his eyes and removed his dress shirt. “Sorry, I’ll just leave you to your work then.” Jim’s smile lit up Bones’ day. 

“Well it’s too late now,” Bones returned the bright smile and stood to properly greet his boyfriend. He pulled Jim’s face to his own and kissed him as if they’d been apart for years. When they pulled apart it was Jim’s turn to get butterflies. Bones’ hair, somewhat unkempt, showed hints of brown and copper in the sun and his eyes, his rich brown eyes, stared deeply into his own. “Are you done for the day?” 

“Yeah, I wanted to hangout with you before I have to share you,” Jim rested his hands gently on Leonard’s hips. “Besides, I thought you could use a distraction.” 

Bones smiled as his tension drifted from his body. Jim always had a way of easing tension and anxiety, especially with Bones. 

“I do need a shower though,” Jim reluctantly removed his hands from his doctor, kissing him quickly before walking inside. “I’ll be quick!” 

“Better be!” Bones called. His PADD beeped, notifying him of a new message. He sat down and opened the message. It was from his mother. She wanted to see him. The two had talked a few times after his return, but until recently, he’d been focused on rehabilitating Jim. Not only did she want to see him, she wanted to meet Jim. Though the couple had been together for over 2 and a half years they had yet to meet the other’s mothers. Bones had no good reason for this other than sheer busyness and poor planning. Jim on the other hand, still had a tense relationship with his mother. Bones was staring thoughtfully at his PADD when Jim finally returned to the balcony. 

Once again, Bones was distracted by the man. He was wearing a thin, slightly baggy off-white henley which was unbuttoned at the top of his chest. His jeans were even worse. The pair he was wearing were the pair Jim always wore when they went on a date or whenever Bones needed a distraction. Though loose in the legs, they fit his ass so well you couldn’t help but stare. 

“What’cha reading?” Jim asked casually as he sat down next to Bones. 

“Huh? Oh, just messages,” Bones clicked his PADD off and set it aside. “How was your day?” 

“Meh,” Jim replied. “I was in and out of meetings all morning. The Klingons are still angry about Qo'noS.” Jim’s eyes wandered out to the cityscape around him. That incident still bothered him. He’d never wanted to hurt anyone but Khan that day, but that plan had obviously failed. 

“They would’ve done the same if the roles were reversed.” Bones interlaced his fingers with Jim’s. Jim nodded, remaining deep in thought. 

The couple sat for some time in silence. Bones wanted to say more, but he knew there was nothing he could say to fix this. Jim wasn’t one to dwell on the negative, but that didn’t mean it never bothered him. His whole life had been filled with negativity. Before Starfleet he wasn’t sure he’d ever find anything positive in his life. Every time he looked in a mirror he had been reminded of the life his father never had. When he looked at his mother or his brother he was painfully aware of the absence of George. The corvette had been his first true expression of the anger he held with in himself. By destroying it, Frank couldn’t pretend it was his own, and Jim would have one less ghost of his father. The three broken ribs, black eye, and fractured arm he received from Frank had been worth it. After that day, Jim didn’t care what happened to himself. He worked when he wanted to, he went to college because he wanted to, he fucked whomever whenever, he lived wherever he wanted. Jim tried working things out with his mother, but he always ended up storming out, angry, sad, and guilty. His brother, at least, understood him. Sam and he were never able to stay mad at each other for too long. They were all the other had had and they always found a way to forgive the other. So when Jim found Leonard Horatio McCoy he couldn’t help but be enamored. This man didn’t know his past, didn’t care that he wasn’t his father, and didn’t compare Jim to anyone but Jim. Once they became friends they found themselves trusting the other more and more, which, though terrifying them at first, allowed them to begin healing. They stopped self-destructing. 

“You excited to see Archer tonight?” Bones pulled Jim out of thoughts before he lost himself too much. Bones was good at that. 

“Yeah. A little nervous, too. You?” 

“Yeah,” Bones couldn’t help but show his own nervousness too. “I’m definitely nervous too.” 

“He’s excited,” Jim chuckled. “He sent me a message this morning telling me so.” 

Bones was eased by this. Smiling, he turned to Jim. “We need to bring him a bottle of something.” 

“Yeah, probably,” Jim smiled in return. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Admiral Archer lived in an almost picturesque house on the outskirts of San Francisco. It was well-kept and had a large backyard covered by old, thick trees shading the yard and house. A young woman answered the door. She was beautiful and sweet, obviously Archer’s granddaughter Sarah. Leading them out to the backyard, she told them how excited her grandfather was to have them over. When they exited to the backyard, they were greeted by a pair of happy, wiggling beagles. 

“Boys down!” Sarah commanded. 

“Welcome!” a strong voice called. Archer was standing at a grill, drinking a beer. He may have been 141, but he was still amazingly fit. Wrinkled and grey, he looked happy. A large smile spread across his face as the men walked towards him. Bones nearly tripped on one of beagles causing Archer to sigh heavily. “Sirius! Argo! Stop. Sorry about that. They get a bit excited when we get visitors.” 

“We brought you a little something.” Jim said handing the admiral a fifth of his favorite bourbon. 

“Thank you!” Archer set the bottle on the patio table, and returned to manning the grill. “Please, have a seat. Can I get you anything? A beer?” 

“That’d be great, thanks.” Before any of them could act, Sarah set down two beers. “Oh! Thank you.” 

“No problem,” she smiled. She headed back into the house to work on another aspect of dinner. 

“She’s sweet.” Jim remarked. 

“She’s a pistol!” Archer laughed. “Started a fight with her physics professor at the academy the other day.” 

Jim and Bones chuckled, sipping their beers. The conversation flowed about to include the 49ers super bowl chances, Archer’s dogs, everything really. Everything but Starfleet. As dinner progressed, Archer watched to the two men. He saw how they interacted with Sarah, himself, and each other. Jim was a ball of energy, talking to everyone and anyone. His smile was infectious and radiant. Bones was much more reserved. He kept a small smile on his face, interacted gladly with them, but he could tell something was eating at this man. His hands tended to clasp together tightly and he didn’t offer up too much voluntarily. But when he looked at Jim he was a whole other man; his eyes light up, his smile softened, his hands loosened. Bones exuded love and happiness whenever he looked at Jim. Archer noted all of this. He also noted how Jim looked at Bones. When he looked at his doctor as if he were the sun and the moon and all the other stars in the sky; as if this man was a universe all his own, one he could happily spend forever in. Archer felt a state of awe at their relationship, one that made all his former relationships seem dim in the light of theirs. 

Throughout dinner they laughed and smiled and shared more than they all thought they would. Bones and Jim learned about Sarah and her studies at Starfleet, Archer learned about Bones’ family and hometown, and Sarah learned to not let old men tell stories of the glory days if you didn’t have the time to listen. 

“Ya know, this garden is all thanks to Sarah,” Archer said gesturing to the expanse of flowers and vegetation around them. “I can’t grow plants to save my life!” 

“True, very true.” Sarah laughed. Her focus in Starfleet was understanding different planets, their atmospheres, and, her favorite part, their plant life. “He could barely keep the grass green here.” 

“Well it looks wonderful.” Bones complimented. One thing he always missed about Earth on missions, besides the solid ground, was nature. He had loved gardening when he was younger and had the time; it was very cathartic. Sarah proceeded to take the doctor on a tour of the garden, pointing out different flowers and how each affected the ones around it. 

“I know I’m just an old man and it’s none of my business, but I gotta say, I’ve never seen a better couple in my life,” Jim blushed as he looked at the admiral. He wasn’t sure if it was the beers they’d had, which had been many at this point, or the relief of a superior finally validating his relationship. “Have you two thought about the future?” 

“A bit,” Jim blushed harder. Sure he’d thought of the future, but he hadn’t thought too far into it. All he really knew was that he wanted to spend forever with this man. That’s when it hit him. He knew what he needed to do and he only hoped Bones would be ok with it. 

“I mean have you thought about what will happen if he’s not reinstated on the Enterprise?” Jim looked at Archer and smiled. 

“I’d stay here with him.” Archer smiled in return.

They continued to talk long after the sun set. When the couple left, the moon was high and the sky clear. Walking hand in hand, the pair made their way to the trolley route. Bones could tell Jim had something on his mind. 

“What’s on your mind?” Jim’s face betrayed him and turned a deep red which was obvious even at night. 

“Nothing,” Jim mentally rolled his eyes at himself for not thinking of something better. 

“Really? That’s why you’re redder than a tomato right now?” Bones lifted the corner of his mouth, unable to find anything but joy in Jim’s reaction. 

“I,” Jim stammered. “I was just thinking about the future.” 

“Oh?” Bones tensed. He wasn’t entirely sure why. Bones was always afraid Jim would leave him and he always feared that this was how the conversation would start. 

“Like,” Jim stammered again. He didn’t want to scare Bones, but he wanted to know. “Like marriage maybe?” 

Bones froze on the spot, hand still holding Jim’s. His heart pounded. He was silent. Jim prepared himself, for what he wasn’t sure. Now it was Bones who turned 50 shades of red. 

“I’m not saying we have to right now, I’m just saying…it’s an option.” Jim stood with Bones hoping his doctor would say something. Anything. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea Jim,” Anything but that. Jim’s heart hit his stomach so fast he thought he would hurl. 

“Wh-Why?” He felt sad and angry and terrified. “How is it a bad idea?” 

“I,” Bones suddenly felt angry at himself. He’d hurt Jim and Jim didn’t deserve it. “I just don’t-“ 

“Don’t what?!” Jim was shouting now. Tears were already forming in his eyes. 

“I FUCKED UP LAST TIME, OK? I CAN’T FUCK US UP.” Bones exploded. “I love you too much to do that to you!” 

“How the hell do you think you’re going to fuck us up?” Jim’s hands were flying as he spoke. 

“I DON’T KNOW, JIM!” He stared at Jim, a look of complete fear and exasperation written on his face. “I don’t know,” he said softer as tears leaked from his eyes. 

“Leonard, I don’t know how many times I have to say this, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You can never fuck this up,” Jim said softly wrapping his arms around Bones. “Bones, you can’t keep pushing me away.” 

“I’m just afraid.” Bones wrapped himself around Jim, burying his face into Jim’s neck. 

“I’m scared too.” Jim cradled Bones’ head gently.

“No,” Jim felt Bones take a deep breath. “I mean I’m scared I’ll lose you. I’m scared you’ll find someone else more interesting or-“ 

He was cut off by Jim’s lips. Bones felt a surge of electricity rush through his lips to his fingertips. A gentle thumb traced his cheekbone before resting on his temple. 

“Leonard Horatio McCoy, if I searched the universe for the rest of my life, I’d never find anyone as interesting as you. I love my country doctor just the way he is.” A large smile spread across Jim’s lips. Bones stood there silently smiling at Jim, absorbing everything the man had just said. 

“You’ve got quite a way with words, Captain.” Bones finally said, leaning back into his boyfriend's lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so I know Archer isn't officially married or have any kids and whatnot, but I love Archer so I wanted to give him a family.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dreams, sessions, and walks are a hell of a way to make up for an accidental hiatus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit! Look at this! I updated! Imagine that. I hope you all enjoy!

Everything was red; Red and cold. The walls were streaked with red, the floors too. Frantically, Bones searched the ship for something, for someone. He knew he was on the Enterprise, but it wasn’t his Enterprise. It was like some horrible macabre mirror version. Lights flickered, wires sparked, metal creaked. He began to realize that he too was covered in red. It was sticky and smelled of iron. Bones began screaming, yelling for someone. Running through the empty, destroyed ship, Bones became more and more frantic. Where is he? What the fuck is this place? What the fuck is happening?! Then he saw something that made his heart stop. A blonde man, drenched in red, laying on the floor, crumpled and broken. The faster Bones ran to him, the slower he became. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t make any noise. He couldn’t say anything to the man. He couldn’t tell the man he was there, that he wasn’t alone, that he loved him. 

Shooting upright in bed, Bones gasped painfully. His shirt was soaked in cold sweat. Kicking the sheets off himself, he frantically looked for Jim only to find that he was alone. The bed was empty except for a panting Bones and a growing, crushing fear. The darkness began seeping into his mind. Bones desperately began trying to calm himself. He squeezed his eyes shut and focused on his shaky, shallow breath. His breathing was interrupted by a loud flush. Bones jerked his head towards the sound, realizing why he was alone. The crushing darkness was alleviated with the momentary opening of the bathroom and gentle illumination that followed. Jim stepped back into the bedroom, yawning. Bones rolled his eyes at himself and flopped himself dramatically back onto the bed. 

“Bones?” Jim asked blearily. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Bones couldn’t help but laugh, his anxiety swiftly dropping. It was just a dream. Jim was fine, everything was fine. “Just a nightmare.” 

“You sure?” Jim sat back into bed, concern edging out his sleep. Bones looked at his boyfriend and smiled.

“Yeah,” he closed his eyes again and took another soothing breath. His chest was still tight and his heart-rate still high, but he knew he could calm himself. He peeled off his wet shirt and proceeded to wrap himself around Jim, nuzzling his head into Jim’s neck. Slowly but steadily, his heart-rate calmed and his breath returned to normal. Jim simply stroked Bones’ back and kissed his forehead. “I love you, Jim.” 

“I love you too.” Jim mumbled into Bones’ forehead. Smiling, the pair drifted off to sleep. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bones sat in the small waiting room of the counseling office fidgeting anxiously with his cuffs as he waited. Jim, try as he might, couldn’t get away to the session today. This meant Bones was alone with no buffer between Gupta and himself. Of course he trusted her and of course he felt comfortable with her, he just felt more comfortable with Jim there. 

“Doctor?” Bones stood to greet the young man he now knew by name. “She’s ready.”

“Thanks Al,” Bones walked through the small doorway and took his normal seat on the love-seat. Shortly after, Gupta entered. 

“No Jim today?” She smiled as she settled in. 

“No, he couldn’t get out of a meeting.”

“That’s OK. We still have plenty to talk about.” She settled in and began. “So, what’s on your mind?” 

“A lot,” he sighed heavily as he leaned back in the chair. He flushed. “I had a bad nightmare last night.” 

“OK, how’d that go?” 

“It was rough.” 

“What was the dream about, if I may ask?” 

He hesitated a moment. Going against every instinct he had, he decided to tell her. “I was on a ship and there was blood everywhere. I couldn’t find Jim for the longest time, and when I finally did I couldn’t get to him and he was hurt.” She sat for a moment contemplating the dream. 

“What happened once you woke up?” 

“I panicked.” He sighed again and ran a tired hand through his hair. “I couldn’t find Jim.” 

“Where was he?” 

“The bathroom.” Bones laughed. Gupta smiled in return. 

“How did you handle the dream?” 

“I closed my eyes and tried to focus on breathing.” 

“Did that work?” 

“Eventually,” Bones blushed and returned to fidgeting. “Jim helped me a bit, though.” 

“I’m proud of you,” she said matter-of-factly. Bones blushed harder. “You calmed down and let someone help you.” 

“It wasn’t that bad,” He said timidly. 

“Don’t downplay your success. You did well and I’m proud of you for it. You should be proud too.” Bones smiled. “However, I feel like there’s more on your mind than just that.” 

Bones knew what he needed to talk about. Shifting, he let out a sigh of defeat. “My mom wants me to visit her.” 

“OK, what’s so bad about that?” 

“Nothing, I guess,” Bones had stewed over this for a while. “I just…” He trailed off as he lost himself in thought for a moment. 

“Leonard?” 

“I guess I just don’t want her to see me like this.” Bones finally admitted it. He was struggling to accept help from his boyfriend and he wasn’t sure he could ask it of his mother. 

“What would happen if she saw you ‘like this’?” Gupta tilted her head and furrowed her brow in interest. 

“I don’t know. I think it’d make her sad, honestly.” Bones had seen his mother sad before and it had been one of the single most painful things in his life. He watched her watch her husband deteriorate and die. The memory of his mother after Bones had taken his father off life support still haunted him. He had never seen his mother so broken. She never once blamed her son though. Instead she held him tighter and comforted him, reassuring him he’d done the right thing. 

“Are you close with your mother?” Gupta needed to know more about Leonard and his family life if she was going to help him more than she already had. 

“Yeah, I haven’t seen her in a while though,” He smiled a bit trying to remember the last time he’d visited his mother. “I think it was almost a year ago now.” 

“How do she and Jim get on?” Bones’ flush returned. Shifting, he fidgeted with his cuffs again. 

“They, um, haven’t met yet,” Bones lowered his head and shot tentative glances at the counselor. She gave a half smile, more amused than anything. 

“Why not?”

“Bad planning mainly. I always seem to plan a trip home only to find out Jim can’t go.” Bones hadn’t purposefully kept the pair apart, he just went when he could and that usually meant Jim couldn’t go. 

“Why don’t you plan a visit. I think it’d be good for you,” She was still smiling. Bones’ stomach dropped a bit. His mother and Jim were the two most important people in his life. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle it if they didn’t like each other. “Leonard?” 

“Yeah,” he nodded gently. “That’d be good.” 

“Really? I’m sensing you’re not entirely up for it. Am I wrong?” 

“I,” He paused. He knew he was being ridiculous, but that didn’t stop him from being afraid. The fear paralyzed him for a moment. Scenarios began forming in his head. Scenarios that didn’t want to end well. 

“What are your reservations about them meeting?” Her calm broke into his chaos. Composing himself, he cleared his throat. 

“I’m afraid of what’ll happen if they don't like each other.” Leonard was an uncomfortable shade of pale as he spoke to the Commander. 

“OK, that’s reasonable,” She gave him a supportive smile. It occurred to him that she was continually having to validate his feelings. Every time he felt something Bones could find a way to invalidate it within moments. You're being ridiculous. Quit being an idiot. Thoughts like that always clouded his judgment of himself and his emotions. “How would you handle it if they didn't get along?” 

“Honestly, I don't know.” He stared at his hands. Bones had done his best to avoid thinking about it. “I know that, even if my mother doesn't like Jim, I'd most likely stay with him, but If Jim doesn't like my mother,” He trailed off, afraid to keep going. 

“That’s a situation we can deal with if it arises. I don't want you to spend too much time dwelling on ‘what if’ situations. That’s one of the worst things you can do.” She was leaning forward in her chair, attempting to catch his gaze. He looked up and nodded. 

The rest of their session was spent discussing Bones’ feelings of worthlessness and how negatively it had affected his life. They discussed how, though these feelings can be traced back to things like his divorce and the death of his father, these were no excuse to continue the cycle of abuse he put himself through on a regular basis. Gupta knew Bones and Jim had met at the lowest points in each other’s lives. This meant that they had relied on each other and built each other up. Gupta also knew this meant that Bones and Jim were stronger together. She needed to help Bones find himself with Jim while also maintaining his own identity. This would be no easy feat, but it needed to be done. 

Bones left the session feeling more emotions than he had in weeks. He knew Jim and his mother needed to meet, but that didn't stop him from worrying. On his way home, he decided to stop by the beach again. Today however, was much busier than the last time he'd been which made finding a secluded place to think much harder than he'd expected. Frustrated, he resigned himself to walking around the city. The large amount of people making their way around only worsened his anxiety. He noticed the crushing sensation building in his chest. Fearing an attack Bones began heading home. The longer he walked, the more frightened he became. ‘What if I don’t make it home in time? What if I have an attack here, in public?’ His eyes began to cloud with tears. Turning down an empty alley way, he pressed his back to the cool brick of the building behind him. He needed to calm down, to breathe. His body had other plans. Sweat began forming on his brow and his hands became cold and clammy. His vision was a swirling mass of tears and brick. He fumbled for his communicator. He needed to call Jim. But then he stopped. Bones knew Jim was busy, and hadn't been able to get away for his session. He decided to send a tentative text to see if Jim was free. 

-Are you free?- Bones had barely managed to type the letters correctly through his haze. He waited for what seemed like hours for a reply. He was about to give up when his communicator chimed in response. 

-Yeah, finally. What’s up?- 

-I need you- was all he could manage. Bones communicator rang almost immediately. 

“Where are you?” Jim sounded calm and serious. Bones gasped out his location, a new wave of panic and fear setting in. His stomach knotted and his knees began to tremble. “I'm on my way. Stay with me Bones.” 

“Yeah,” Bones could only gasp out small words now. He slid down the wall, no longer caring that he was in an alleyway in San Francisco. Gripping tightly at the communicator, Bones dug his free hand into his calf. 

“Hey, just breathe. I'm almost there,” Jim continued assuring Bones that he wasn't alone and that he was almost there. Starfleet Headquarters was at least 45 minutes away, and they both knew it. Bones did his best to calm himself and self-soothe, but this skill was still in the works and so he found it nearly impossible to calm himself. “Stay with me, Bones. You're gonna be ok.” 

Jim’s voice barely reached Bones’ ears. Instead, they were filled with a pounding like he'd never heard. His chest felt like it would explode and implode simultaneously. He could barely think or control his body. Bones clamped his eyes shut and tried to direct his thoughts to something, anything, that could help him. He suddenly remembered that day in the shower. It had been a while since he'd really thought about that day. He grasped at the memory of Jim in the shower, his blue eyes piercing into his own. 

“BONES!” The doctor opened his eyes to see a flushed, panting man running towards him. “Hey, hey. I’m here.” 

Bones simply whimpered in response. Jim grabbed Bones’ shoulders delicately as he crouched down to meet his boyfriend’s gaze. Slowly, Bones’ breath returned to him. Jim unclamped the doctor’s hand from his calf and took it in his own. They sat there for what felt like hours. 

“Thank you.” Bones said weakly, signaling he was ready to go home. 

“Of course, Bones,” Jim stood first and helped the shaky man to his feet. He reached a gentle hand out to fix Bones’ wayward hair and wipe any left over tears. Jim’s smile warmed Bones to his core and suddenly, he found himself kissing Jim. It was a sweet, thankful, passionate kiss. Jim responded by wrapping his arms around Bones’ waist and filling any space between them. When they broke apart, Bones rested his head in the crook of Jim’s neck. “Let’s go home.” 

Bones nodded and pulled away and followed Jim out of the dark alleyway and into the red glow of the San Francisco sunset. The warmth immediately filled the couple as they walked, hand in hand. Suddenly Bones was aware of how he must look to everyone. Glancing at his reflection in the windows of the street, he saw a tired man with dirt marking his clothes and red, puffy eyes. Embarrassment and shame welled up behind his eyes. He shifted his gaze to the ground, hoping no one would notice. Jim wrapped his arm around Bones’ waist kissing him on the cheek. 

“I love you, ya know.” Bones looked up sheepishly at Jim's words. His boyfriend’s smile made Bones’ stomach flip and brought about his own smile. 

“I love you, too.” He wrapped his arm around Jim’s waist and allowed the feeling of happiness to take the place of the guilt and shame. When they finally made it home they wasted no time in discussing what happened. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Jim steered Bones towards their bedroom, peeling off the doctor’s jacket as they went. 

“I was trying to think and I just couldn’t,” Bones sighed as he kicked off his shoes. “I tried going to the beach but it was too busy so I tried walking everything off and then I just couldn't……handle it all.” 

“OK,” Jim said thoughtfully as he pulled off his dress pants. “What were you thinking about that was stressing you out so much?” 

Bones paused. He was midway through removing his pants when the catalyst of his attack re-emerged. “I got a message yesterday,” he breathed in all the strength he could manage and continued. “My mom wants us to visit.” 

“OK,” Jim seemed to be waiting for more. Bones suddenly felt the shame and guilt return. ‘Why the fuck had I been so anxious about this! You made your boyfriend run across town because you were nervous about him meeting your mother? Fucking pathetic!’ His thoughts betrayed him as he avoided Jim’s gaze. “What’s so bad about that?” Jim’s voice was sincere as he tried to understand. 

“I don’t want her to see me this way and I don’t want her to have to meet you under these circumstances,” Bones sat down on the edge of their bed, defeat and humiliation written in his face. “She should meet you when you don't have to worry about running across town to comfort your boyfriend over stupid shit.” 

“For the love of- Bones,” Jim sat down next to Bones and wrapped his arms around him. “For the millionth time, I will GLADLY drop anything to help you. And none of this stuff you're feeling is stupid at all! I get that you're scared that you're going to make your mom sad or that you're going to disappoint her or something, but, if what I've heard is right, then she’s going to be so proud of you. You saved my life, Bones! That’s pretty fucking amazing! And I know that you want us to meet under perfect circumstances, but that’s not going to happen and that’s fine. I want to meet the woman who raised such an amazing man; who raised the only person I've ever loved that wasn't related to me! And as for her seeing you this way, you need to see her now. She can help you. She’s your mother and she'll want to help. There is no shame or stupidity or embarrassment here. OK?” 

Bones sat silently for a moment. He took in every word Jim said and by the end, was crying. A gentle smile on Jim’s face begged for Bones’ understanding. “Yeah,” Bones sighed out warmly, a small smile on his own face. He held onto Jim’s arm and leaned his head onto his shoulder. “Thank you.” 

“Anytime,” Jim replied playfully, kissing Bones’ head. The couple remained in each other’s arms until their stomachs protested too loudly to ignore. The cooking that followed was quick and deliberate as the day finally took its toll on the pair. Already half-asleep, the pair climbed into bed at an ungodly early hour. They spent the rest of their waking time, which wasn't much, discussing the newly established visit to Georgia while cuddling in a way that was way too adorable for two grown people to cuddle. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO I finished this hella late at night, so if there are any grammar or spelling errors feel free to tell me! It would actually be greatly appreciated! Also, I love you all and I hope you liked this chapter. It become much more in depth than I had originally intended it to be.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim finally meets Elenora and learns more about Bones and his past.

The shuttle was small and dark and cramped. Everyone and their mother had apparently decided to take this shuttle to Georgia so Jim and Bones sat snugly in back. Jim flipped absently through his PADD, reading various articles and Starfleet memos. Bones however, sat tensely in his seat, head rested back, eyes squeezed shut. Sure Bones served on the Enterprise and flew into deep space frequently, but his aviophobia never really went away. The doctor did his best to self-soothe and keep himself calm and relaxed. Breathing deeply, Bones thought of nothing but the sturdy, solid ground they would be landing on soon. Jim had been more than happy to meet Bones’ mom and began planning almost immediately. Two days after Bones asked him, the couple was on a shuttle headed directly for Georgia. 

Jim looked over at his boyfriend and sighed. As much as he wanted to meet the woman who raised the man he loved, he knew Bones was beyond scared. Jim felt the pressure to make a good impression. This pressure sat low in his stomach, ready to explode at a moment’s notice. He didn't want to worry Bones, but he wasn't going to lie to him either. They knew better, now more than ever, to keep stuff like this from each other. 

“What’s your mom like?” Bones furrowed his brow and looked over at Jim.

“I’ve told you a million times what she’s like.” 

“I know. Humor me.” Jim looked at Bones expectantly. Bones chuckled and rolled his eyes.

“She’s tougher than nails and smarter than almost everyone I've ever met.” Bones enjoyed talking about his mom. She had always been one of his best friends and strongest allies. What Bones liked most though, was her never ending devotion to her family. No matter the circumstances, Elenora always made sure that her family was safe and as happy as possible. 

Bones continued sharing and before he knew it, the shuttle was landing. He blinked in surprise. 

“We're here already?” 

“Yep.” Jim’s smile was so big it almost made Bones laugh. 

“You OK?” Bones knew that even though Jim wanted to meet his mom, he was probably scared shitless and he wasn't wrong. 

“Honestly,” Jim took a deep breath. He wanted to formulate his words carefully to avoid any possible bruised feelings. “I’m scared. I don't want to screw this up.” 

“Hey,” Bones locked eyes with Jim and gave him that crooked gentle smile that always made Jim feel safe. “You'll be just fine.” 

Jim smiled shyly and grabbed Bones’ hand. As the shuttle landed and the passengers exited, Bones felt his own anxiety press up in his chest again. The couple entered into the chaotic shuffle of the airport. 

After a particularly tumultuous adventure through the baggage claim, Jim and Bones exited the airport exhausted and anxious. Hailing the first cab they could grab, they headed out to the McCoy family home. As tired as they were, neither could sit still. 

“Can I confess something?” Jim asked tentatively. “I'm nervous. Like REALLY nervous. I've never wanted to have someone like me this much.” 

“I know,” Bones cracked a crooked smile and wrapped his hand around Jim’s. “She’s gonna love you though.” Jim gave a nervous smile and held Bones’ hand a bit tighter. Jim began asking about the various landmarks and places they drove past. Where did you hang out as a kid? Where did you go shopping? Did you go to church on this side of town? And so on until they arrived at Bones’ childhood home. 

At first, Jim thought this was a joke. No house could be this picturesquely perfect. Their cab pulled up the long gravel drive to a blue, two-story ranch house shaded by large, old trees. The front porch extended along the full front of the house and housed two Adirondack chairs and a porch swing. A garden of mums and other perennials framed the home and followed the small walkway from the driveway to the porch. It even had shudders for Christ’s sake. 

“Jim?” Bones couldn't help but notice Jim’s silent stare as they exited the cab. “You OK?” 

“Yeah, It’s just,” Jim blushed. “It’s just so perfect.” Bones laughed and squeezed Jim’s hand. All Jim could do was smile. He'd never really believed in that perfect family ideal, but he knew there were some families who were damn close and it looked like Jim had found one. Suddenly, he felt foreign and out of his element entirely. 

“Leonard!” Jim snapped out of his mind just in time to see a woman run up and engulf Bones in a warm hug. 

The hug that ensued was so warm and sweet, Jim couldn't help but smile. Bones wrapped his arms easily around his mother and stooped down to bury his face into her shoulder. Elenora stood on the tips of her toes in order to rest her chin on his shoulder. After a few moments, they pulled away with puffy, red eyes. 

“Mom, I want you to meet Jim,” Bones stepped aside so Jim and Elenora could meet properly. “Jim, this is my mom.” 

“It’s wonderful to meet you.” Jim flushed and extended his hand. 

“It’s about time!” Elenora laughed as she embraced him. Jim froze, momentarily taken back. Recovering quickly, he stooped down to hug back. “And please, call me Ellie.” 

When they broke away, Jim felt colder and a bit empty. He hadn't had a motherly hug like that in some time. Entering the home, Jim found it even more perfect and inviting than the outside. The southern home was comfy and well loved. The walls were decorated with photos, old samplers, art prints, and warm colors. 

“I made up your old room. So go get settled but don't take too long; dinner’s almost ready!” Elenora was already returning to the kitchen as Jim came to his senses. 

“Your home is beautiful,” Jim stated almost breathlessly. 

“Well thank you, darlin’.” Elenora stopped to smile at Jim noticing his awe. Smiling sweetly she turned on her heel and into the kitchen. “Now hurry up or y’all will miss dinner!” 

Jim couldn't help but smile. He had barely met the woman and he already felt at home. Climbing the stairs up to Bones’ old room, Jim was about to explode with excitement. 

“Well, that was a quick turnaround.” Bones noted as he lead the way. 

“Huh?” 

“You can't stop smiling.” Bones smirked as Jim blushed. The couple entered Bones’ old room and gratefully set their bags down. Jim surveyed the room. He didn't know what he expected since Bones hadn’t lived at home in almost 15 years, but he didn't expect the room to look so normal. A few stray photos of Bones’ throughout various stages of his youth lined the walls. A desk sat unused in the corner. A small bookshelf which contained old-fashioned books that had been well loved, a few stray sports memorabilia, more photos, and a few dust-clogged PADDS stood by the desk. Jim spent an inordinate amount of time examining each and every photo, book, and object. He wanted to absorb anything and everything. Bones studied Jim as Jim studied the room. Another smile crept onto his face. He still had trouble believing that a man like Jim could find a man like himself interesting. As Jim’s brow furrowed and his lips spread in a smile, Bones couldn't help but laugh. 

“What?” Jim asked incredulously. 

“You,” Bones laughed. “Studin’ those photos like they're gonna be on an exam.” 

“Well excuse me for wanting to learn about my boyfriend,” Jim said with a sly smile. “Besides, who knew how cute you looked with shaggy hair?” 

“Oh God! Burn those!” Bones said dramatically as he flung himself onto his bed. Jim laughed and returned the photo to it’s spot. Surveying the room one last time, Jim walked over to Bones. He shrugged off his jacket and joined his boyfriend on the bed. 

“Happy to be home?” 

“Yeah,” Bones sighed and smiled. “We'd better get down there or she'll be bangin’ on the door soon.” When they entered the kitchen, they found Elenora buzzing about humming to herself. 

“How was the flight?” She asked stirring something that smelled sinfully delicious. 

“Cramped and dark.” Leonard grumbled. Coming up to the stove, he sampled his mother’s cooking earning a him a slapped wrist. Jim couldn't help but smile at how domestic it all was. 

“Would you stop. It'll be done soon enough, anyway,” she only partially scolded Bones as she returned to her work. “I hope you like fried chicken, Jim.” 

“I love it,” Jim smiled. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“If you two would set the table that'd be great.” Jim and Bones set to work on the table chatting mindlessly with each other. It wasn't long before Elenora brought out the spread of food. A sudden wave of nervousness washed over Jim and his hands began to sweat. Despite his nervousness, the dinner went better than any of them could’ve hope for. Jim and Elenora clicked almost immediately much to Leonard’s relief. Elenora guided the conversation carefully, knowing full well not to invade the couple’s private life too deeply. She asked Jim all the normal questions asked when a parent meets a boy or girlfriend; where're you from, where'd you go to school, did you always want to be in Starfleet, and so on. Jim answered the questions as generally and politely as he could, not wishing to relive his past with his boyfriend’s mother in the first meeting and Elenora understood. They laughed and shared jokes and talked, much to Bones’ dismay, about Bones’ childhood. 

“By the age of 3 he had decided he was going to be a doctor,” Elenora said with a smile. Bones sat with a crooked, amused smile listening to his mother talk. “I think it was when David took him into work one day that he decided. I don't remember what happened, but all I know is that he came home smiling from ear to ear and would not stop telling us about how he was gonna be a doctor.” Jim laughed along with Elenora and smiled so hard he thought he might pull a muscle. 

By the end of the meal Jim was able to name almost every sports team Bones had ever played on, his first boyfriend’s name, every time he'd broken a bone doing something stupid, and more. As he helped clear the table, Jim thought in depth about his own childhood and how much more different it had been than Bones’. 

“You OK?” Bones said, causing Jim to almost jump from his skin. 

“Yeah,” Jim breathed. “I was just thinking.” He smiled and went back to grabbing plates and cups. 

“What were you thinking about?” 

Jim thought for a moment. He didn't want to rain on the wonderful afternoon they'd had and he didn't want to make the afternoon about himself. He just wanted to enjoy Bones and Elenora’s company. “How funny you were as a kid.” 

Bones laughed and shook his head. Grabbing silverware and glasses he returned to the kitchen to find his mom loading the dishwasher. 

“I like him.” she said confidently. Bones smiled and accepted a kiss from his mom. 

“If you guys don’t stop being so cute, I may throw up.” Jim stated dramatically as he walked in. Bones rolled his eyes and took the plates and cups from Jim and placed them in the dishwasher. They retired to the porch to watch the sunset. As it set, the three of them chatted happily. Before long, Bones began to nod off. With his head resting on Jim’s shoulder, Elenora took advantage of her son’s state to talk to Jim.

“How bad is he?” Jim reddened as Elenora’s gaze pierced his eyes.

“He’ll be upset if I share too much.” Jim didn’t know if he could handle Bones’ anger again, but he knew he wouldn't be able to withstand Elenora’s if anything was kept from her. 

“I know, but I can handle it,” she leaned in closer to Jim. “Now please, how is he?” 

“He’s not doing too good,” Jim said after a moment. Lowering his voice he began again, “He has nightmares almost every night, but the worst part are the panic attacks.” Jim looked at the sleeping man and wrapped his arm instinctively around Bones’ waist. Elenora was silent. When Jim turned back to look at her, her brows were stitched together in thought and concern.

“He went through the same kind of thing when his dad passed,” Her voice was quiet as she remembered her son’s past. “Not as bad as this though.” Before Jim knew it, he was tearing up. He knew that Bones was strong and solid, but he suddenly felt terrible. He wasn’t sorry for giving his life to protect his family that day, but he was sorry for what it had done to Bones. Elenora held Jim’s hand and offered him a tender smile. 

“Are you OK?”

“Yeah,” Jim sighed heavily. “I'm just worried.” 

“You seem more than worried. It’s OK for you both to not be OK. Especially with everything the two of you have gone through.” 

“Thanks,” was all Jim could muster. 

“So tell me about your family Jim,” Jim sighed, collecting himself.

“Well, my mom, Winona, is a Starfleet science officer and my brother Sam is a research biologist. He and his wife Aurelan travel to different planets studying the local plant life.” 

“Where’s your mom?” She sensed it was a loaded question, but she asked anyway. 

“She’s currently stationed in San Francisco while everything gets back to normal.” Jim had known that she was in San Francisco this whole time, but he didn't want to see her. He'd seen her when he'd first woken up but had feigned exhaustion (which wasn't hard to ‘feign’ at the time) to avoid spending too much time alone with her. 

“I’m sensing there’s some tension between the two of you?” 

“We don't really get along,” Jim wanted to end it there fearing that he would ruin the evening with his baggage. 

“I don't mean to pry, I just want to get to know you. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.” Elenora smiled sweetly and gave Jim’s free hand a gentle squeeze. 

“It’s just,” Jim paused gathering his thoughts. “I grew up with her almost always off-planet and it was just me and Sam really. Except when we lived with Frank.” Jim’s face darkened as he remembered the almost nightly beatings, drunken ramblings, and threats he grew up with. 

“Frank?” Elenora stiffened, fearing what she knew was going to be said next. 

“He was my step-father,” Jim took a deep breath and prepared for the retelling. “My mom married him when I was 5. At first, he was the best. Always taking us to baseball games or showing us how to work on old cars, but once my mom started spending more and more time off-planet, he started drinking and,” Jim stopped sighing heavily. He'd come to terms with Frank a long time ago knowing that he couldn't undo anything Frank had ever done to him, but that didn't mean it erased the painful memories or scars Frank had left. “And eventually he got violent.” 

“Where is he now?” This question surprised Jim. Most people, if they found out, immediately offered comfort or condolences or other overly-emotional responses. 

“Well, I couldn't tell ya honestly,” Jim smirked a bit as he remembered one of the best memories he had of his childhood. Elenora furrowed her brows trying to understand. “When Sam was 18, he finally told our mom the truth about Frank. She came home faster than she ever had before and packed us up and dropped us off at her sister’s place in Des Moines. The next day, she picked us up and brought us back promising that we would never see Frank again. All his stuff was gone and it was almost as if he'd never been there. We never saw him again.” 

“Good.” Jim laughed as Elenora relaxed and smiled again. 

“What are you two laughing about?” Bones said lazily as he stretched and sat up. 

“How silly your hair looks when you wake up.” Jim chided. Bones only rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. 

It would be an understatement to say that the rest of the trip went well. Jim and Elenora got along better than anyone could've dreamed and that made Bones immeasurably happy and relieved. He still had nightmares at his mom’s house, but they passed and became only small annoyances. He only had an attack one time while he was home and it was small in comparison to his others. Bones had been showing Jim around town all day with his mother when they stopped for coffee. A local recognized Jim almost immediately and began chatting him up about the whole deal. Bones stood quietly by his side waiting for the conversation to end. Once the conversation ended they returned to their walking tour of the city. Jim and Elenora chatted but Bones was noticeably quiet. Jim linked his arm with Bones, hoping he just needed some time to think but that proved false when Jim felt Bones’ racing pulse and sweating palms. Finding an open bench, Jim lead Bones there as quickly as possible. Bones sat shakily with his head in his hands trying to focus and breathe. Elenora and Jim sat silently at his sides. Elenora rubbed his back while Jim held his hand. The attack passed soon after and Bones tried to play it off but Elenora wasn't having it. 

“Leonard Horatio McCoy if you think for one minute I'm going to believe that that wasn't a common thing then you must think I’m a fool!” Bones looked at his hands which were still somewhat shaky. “You are not OK and that’s OK. Don't try to protect me from the truth when I know full well how you function. Let me help you OK?” 

Bones knew there was no saying to no to his mother on something like this. That night at dinner Bones told her everything. There were more than a few tears from everyone at the table, but he couldn't deny the relief he felt at telling his mom and gaining that extra support that he knew he needed. 

When the trip finally ended and it was time for Jim and Bones to return to San Francisco, Bones, Jim, and Elenora couldn't help but cry when they reached the airport. The hugs were tight and the kisses, wet. 

“Let me know what y'all are doing for the holidays. I’d like to see y'all before you start gallivantin’ through space again!” Elenora chuckled, winking at Jim. Jim blushed and Bones looked both confused and amused. 

“Of course,” Bones said as he hugged his mother one last time before boarding the shuttle. “I love you.” 

“I love you too darlin’.” Elenora squeezed her son and kissed him again. “Shoot me a message when you get home OK?” 

“We will,” Jim hugged Elenora again too before they departed. “And thank you for everything.” 

“You're more than welcome darlin’,” She pulled back and planted a kiss on his stubbled cheek. “I love you.” Much to Jim’s surprise, this was directed at him.

“I love you too.” He said with fresh tears in his eyes. 

“Shuttle 294 heading for Kansas City now boarding.” Both Bones and Jim sighed as they grabbed their bags and headed for their shuttle. Turning and waving one last time, the couple boarded and settled in for short flight. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arriving home in the early evening light that Saturday, the couple shuffled into their apartment and headed straight to their bedroom. Dropping their bags at the end of the bed, they lazily began undressing. Quietly, they climbed into bed and into tangled themselves in each other’s arms. 

“Thank you.” Jim said lazily. 

“What for?” Bones said with a yawn. 

“Taking me to meet your mom. It was the best vacation I've ever had.” Jim pulled himself closer to Bones resting his head on Bones’ arm. Wrapping his arm tighter around Jim, Bones rested his forehead against Jim’s. 

“Well, thank you for going.” Bones gently kissed his lover’s messy hair. “I’m happy you had a good time.” 

They weren't ready for what the next week could bring, but that was a matter for tomorrow. Right now, they needed sleep and each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANOTHER CHAPTER???? I can't believe it!! I hope you like this. I've been brooding over it for quite some time now. I think I did Elenora justice and I hope you like her! If you have any suggestions or see any errors, as always, feel free to tell me. Thank you so much for reading and sticking with me for this long.


End file.
